I have never been thin. I have never experienced being skinny. Do I want to be thin? Yes, somehow I do. Living in this society where the idea of beauty lies in being thin and sexy, people like me who are big, fat and chubby rarely stand a chance to be tagged as beautiful.
I have started my day by reading a thread in a forum. It is about dating someone who is chubby and the comments were flabbergasting. People like me are really despised and thought as horrible and ugly. Guys would never date a fat chick. Even a fat chick with a pretty face. Someone once mentioned that when he sees a pretty but fat girl, he only sees a fat girl, period. Not even a pretty face can save someone from the resentment of being fat. I totally understand that being fat is unattractive. The persons health is at stake and takes most of the concern. Physically, the flabs, the bumps, the stretchmarks and all is horrible.
Not that I am being proud of being fat. I was never proud of being one. I grew up being mocked and being browbeaten because of my built. I went on for the past 27 years of my life being looked at with disgust by some people. I have been trying hard to lose weight. I have been trying hard to be thin. I have been trying hard to be ACCEPTED.
Maybe it is me who's to be blamed. Perhaps I never tried enough. Perhaps I don't have enough discipline. But I've been struggling with diet and exercise. I love being active. I swim, and I do love swimming. I run, I box. I love being active. But still, I have these. These flabs, these bumps. Im not trying to defend my state, not at all. In fact I was blaming myself. Not enough effort, not enough.
Going back to the thread I read. Honestly I was dispirited. Then I asked the "youre not supposed to be thinking like that" kinds of question. Is this the reason why I am single? Is this the reason why no one is dating me? Is this the reason why I cant find love? LOVE. Yes.
I love me. I love who I am. I have long accepted that I am fat, never to be thin. I have accepted that I am big and that I wont ever wear a size 4. But I love fashion! I love styling up. I love dolling up. I love being a woman. And I am a woman. Yes, a fat woman.
I am a person. I have feelings. I get hurt when someone thinks im disgusting because of how I look. Somehow people sees us fatties differently. But honestly, I never though I am different. I have always thought that I am equal with everyone. I have always thought that I am beautiful, that I am on top of my game, that I am attractive, that I can be happy despite of how I look.
No wonder ladies like me are tough, independent, powerful. We endure a lot. We spend time a lot in making ourselves accepted by the society, and because of that, we learned to love ourselves more than any others. We never depend our happiness towards others who cant see our worth. We are happy because we are us., because we know what is our worth.
I am fat, I am happy, I am fun. I will dress up, be fashionable, be pretty. I will laugh, I will have fun, I will live my life. I am sexy, I am gorgeous, I am desirable. This is me. This is who I am. :)
(Note: Forgive me if this is a "me" post (with all my pictures and stuff) and you thought that its such a waste of time. But hell I care, this is my blog! Bleh!)