I sleep text. I have this sickness that no matter how sleepy I am and no matter how deep my sleep is, as long as my cellphone beeps and I receive an sms, I would definitely have to read it.Nothing new as for last night.
I woke up early this Friday morning doing my usual review of the previous nights sent and received text messages. I was stunned with what I read. My ex sent me a message last night! My dear ex boyfriend whom I havent seen for such a long time. I scrolled down my sent messages. Yeah I did replied. Part of it says I missed him. Dang, silly me to say that.
While having the coldest shower Ive ever had for a long time, ( yeah, me and my housemates cannot afford a water heater) I thought about what happened to me and Jerico.
I met him while shopping for shoes about a year ago. I needed a size 9, and the shoes im fitting is terribly small for my big foot. He overheard me say, "peste naman kasing paa to parang barko". He wasnt able to stop himself from laughing at what I said, followed by his uncontrolable desire to ask for my number. I was so smitten by how confident he is when he talks. He is so witty and smart and he's got the sexiest eyes ive ever seen! Yeah I did give out my number, and yeah we went out to get coffee right after I purchased that red, size 9 stilettos.
That wasnt the last time we went out to have coffee or to eat dinner. It became constant right after he admitted to me that he likes me alot. ( yeah I know I sound easy, well yeah I guess I am really easy!) Well I like him alot too. Something get a hold of me to him. Our love for house music...
Nobody understands my music. I am a house music addict. I breathe, eat, sleep, house. I remember how we discovered both our love for it. I was driving in my car and I put on my favorite Hed Kandi album that time. I was stunned to hear him sing and how enthusiasticly he told me about the tracks in that album I told myself that he is the one. He is my soulmate.
We went out for a couple of months, I was happy to have him. Though we dont see each other that often, (because most of the time he is out of town for work), it felt like hes the one that will make me happy. The usual cliche people who are inlove thinks whenever they talk about their partners.
I thought that the harmonious relationship we had was endless. To my surprise, I woke up one morning feeling doubtful about it. Women's instinct should never be doubted. I was definitely right. Im feeling something terrible is going to happen.
I was shopping that time, the same place I met him. I was sending an sms to him asking him to come with me to shop that day but he refused saying he was very busy at work. I was badly missing him that time because we havent seen each other for almost a month because of his business trips. I was doing my retail therapy that time when I saw a familiar figure sitting across the restaurant table. Just like that, I feel butterflies in my stomach. It was Jerico. Sitting with another woman.
My first impulse is to text him and I did. I asked him where he is. I was in denial that he was the person I saw there but to my suprise, the guy I saw that time picked up his phone from the table and answered the sms I sent him. Yeah, same phone, I even saw the bag we both bought when we went out shopping one time. Confirmed. It was really him.
I was puzzled about this woman he is with. Well I thought it could be a business lunch but hell no! The woman he was with definitely doesnt look like someone he works with. (she was wearing the shiniest silver tshirt i have ever seen in my entire life, she looked like a walking hershey's kisses). Not that I am judging her, but wearing a shinny silver top resembling to a disco ball in the middle of a hot summer day? Come on now.
My phone beeped, it was an sms from him saying. "Hon, nasa office ako, grabe sobrang dami ng trabaho."
I was so furious that time. I then saw him held the womans hand. They were even laughing and looked very very happy.
I savagely, yet calmly approached him that time.
Busy in the office eh? I said.
He was surprised. Obviously i knew that he didnt know what to do.
What are you doing here? he furiously asked me. As if he has the right to be mad at me and as if it was my fault to have caught him cheating and lying to me.
I looked at the woman he was with. Ah, what a cheap bitch.
What are you doing here? I asked him, giving the question back.
He was speechless. I know at that moment he was thinking of coming up with a clever answer but his mind went blank. I know he was dumbfounded that time for he was guilty.
I choosed not to make a scene. I left without saying a word because I dont want to waste my energy into something that is not worth it. I was thinking that time, why should I bother letting him talk. The fact that he lied to me is a reason enough for him not to be trusted. I was so hurt and broken that time. I was driving home and tears are blinding me as I drive. He tried to call me that time. He sent an sms telling me he wanted to explain. I did not let him.
Days had passed after the incident and I was so broken. I havent heard anything from him. I was desperately waiting for him to call me, or send me a text message, or message me thru ym or my email, but there was none. I badly missed him but im badly pissed as well for what he did. Was I not good enough? Maybe not because he still needed another person to fill in my shortcomings as his partner.
I was crying day and night. I keep on telling myself that it is ok. Everything will be fine. Everything has its purpose. But I cant convince myself. I want him, I was missing him, I needed him. I am feeling empty without him.
A week has passed. Monday morning I remember, as I opened my mail, I saw a letter from him. I was estatic to open and read it. I was thinking we will get back together already. To my surprise, I received the most painful letter I have ever felt in my entire life.
I think its time for you to know how lucky you are to have become one of my girlfriends. You should be thankful you know. Hindi lang naman ikaw eh, wag kang mag alala. Marami kayo. 3 kayo dito sa Manila, 2 sa Cebu, 3 sa CDO. You have been a part of a team you ought to be proud off.
I never loved you. I never felt anything for you. The thing that we had was just a joke.
That bastard! How dare he tell me these things?!
I was in an outrage that time. That wasnt right. That was not suppose to happened. But it happened.
Confusion made its way into my mind. What will I do? How will I react? Will I send an email answering this? Will I just let him go. Will I tell him hurtful things as to get even with him?
Well, I didnt do it. I let it pass.
After what happened I choosed not to talk to him, not to communicate with him in any way. I choosed to forget him and move on with my life. But it seems like eternity. I was surprise to learn what love really is. I loved him very much and the more I stop myself from loving him, the more I felt restricted. The more I find it hard to move. All I ever wanted to do is to love him. I was hopefull everything will be well for the both of us. I prayed and asked God for him to love me back. I cant let go of him. I want him to be with me.
I decided to just let him back in.
We did not get back together but we decided to be friends, well maybe more than friends since it felt like I was still hopeful that we would get back together that time. I gave it a shot. I hoped and hoped and hoped that he would see the worth in me. I was always there for him, if he needed someone to talk to when he feel bad, when he needed someone to share his problems, when he whines about his family, about his work and about how unsatisfied he is with his life. I was there for him, supporting him, telling him that it will be ok, that I am there for him if he needed me. I was always on time if he needs me. I was hoping if I do that, he will realize that I am the one for him. Well of course I do that with all my heart because I was inlove with him, and I know that I will always be.
Months passed and I started to think that I have moved on. I was fine, feeling ok that we are like that. Simply friends.
Until one day, I had a surprise call from him.
My heart skipped a beat. Is this the time when he will tell me that he loves me? And that he regrets the time that he fooled me, left me and hurt me?
I answered the call enthusiastically. Until I heard him crying on the other end of the line.
I was surprised. Why on earth is he crying? Is he alright? Im dead worried about him that time.
He told me things like he was sorry about what he did to me. He realized that he is being punished for what he did in the past. He realized that he shouldnt have done those things. He said that I was a good person and I dont deserve to be treated like that. That he wanted to say something very important to me.
Tugs tugs tugs. My heart is beating really fast. Oh my gosh! Hes going to tell me he loves me! That he wants me back!
"Im inlove with someone. I love her so much and i know that she cannot love me back, nor she can never forgive me." he told me.
I was in ecstacy. He loves me!
"Her name is Belle, she's annuled, she has kids and she's older than me. I love her so much George, I know im being punished for all the things I had done before. Help me George, help me" He said.
Help you?. Gosh help you?! I keep on saying that in my mind. I wanted to blurt it out, i badly wanted to blurt it out. The I felt a strong stab in my chest. Yes I am in pain.
I thought it was me. I thought all the while he was inlove with me. No I was wrong. I was really really wrong. I cant even comprehend what he is saying that time. All I know is that I am in pain. I wanna cry that time, I wanna shout, I wanna die.
Days had passed after that time, I did nothing but cry. Did nothing but to pity myself. Did nothing but to think what could have been? Did nothing but to ask. Why not me?
I had to make a decision. I have to help myself get out from this mess. I have to do something, say something to myself that would make me feel ok, and I did.
Acceptance is the key.