Monday, November 8, 2010

Read Between the Lines.

A challenge to take is up now. I think Ill be needing some time off from all of these. Maybe its too much for me as of now. I cant seem to comprehend what I am feeling and what I am thinking. I don’t really want to be confused or to think a lot right now, for I know that I don’t really need to stress myself with things that I don’t need to be stressed at. I am giving up and I am letting go and I think this would be the perfect time to do that.

Ive got to let go of the fact that I can manipulate whatever it is I want. But here is what I want.

I want you to know that I mean it when I said I like you.
I want you to know that I think this is juvenile for me to do all of these and that I am somehow ashamed to admit it to myself.
I want you to know that I have changed a lot since I met you for reasons unknown until now.
I want you to know that I don’t even know why I said no but I think that I did the right thing.
I want you to know how much I wanted to tell you about what I feel but im too chicken to do so.
I want you to know that I want you to say that you feel the same thing for me.
I want you to know that I thought it was you that was sent to me.
I want you to know that I cant think straight, I cant stop thinking about you.
I want you to know a lot of things, things that I cant even think of right now.

I know there's nothing for I know you feel nothing about what I feel for you. You see me as your buddy and I appreciate that. And……

Shit, ok. Ive got to stop. Im putting myself in a definite embarrassment. But this one last post before I said a short goodbye. I wanted you to know that I am clearly starting off a new travel. I don’t know where this would lead me but ill definitely want to see you at the end of this. If not. Then its another FML story for me. :D

If then you would say no to any of these I professed, then I just wanna say thanks.

Thank you for making me see that I deserve someone who would respect me.
Thank you for making me realize that I deserve all the things that I am wanting.
Thank you for making me see that I need to take time.
Thank you for teaching me patience.
Thank you for accepting me.
Thank you for giving me a chance to peek through something that I think I wanted to have.
Thank you for making me think about all of these.
Thank you for making me a new woman.

Now do I really need to say your name here? Come on. Read between the lines, I beg you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

In A Hurry?

What makes people so desperate in finding a partner? Simple. There are 6 things that cause this.

1. Insecurity - alas! I have found a date! I kinda like him, maybe it would work out this time. Maybe he finds me attractive enough for him that’s why he asked me out on a date. Maybe he finds something in me that he thinks adorable. I have to keep him interested in me. I have to please him. I have to show him too that I am much interested in him or he might notice other woman if I show him disinterest.

Date would end and it went oh so fine! Youre smelling a follow up date. (or so as you think) hours passed after he sends you home, youre at your room waiting for him to call. Shit! Why isnt he calling me or texting me to check up on me if I enjoyed the date? Oh my! did I do something wrong? Did I turn him off? Did he really mean it when he told me the dress I wore looks good on me? Maybe he was just polite that’s why he told me that he also enjoyed the date while we were on our way home. The next day he texted, he told you how much he enjoyed the date, you promised yourself you would do better on the next date and so the journey to a relationship will start.

2. Clock is ticking - im not getting any younger! I need to be in a relationship fast! Oh this guy? Pwede na to! Me work naman sya eh.Im of age already, I need to be in a relationship. All my friends are in a relationship with someone already. I need to fit in the crowd fast! Or, its already the holidays, I need a man who will introduce to the family dinner! Or I need to have a boyfriend for me to bring to my bestfriends wedding!

3. Discontent- I don’t like the last guy I dated. This one is better than the last boyfriend I had. Hes taller than my last. He seems to be wittier.

4. Fear - what if hes the one and I have let go of him? What if he was the one who was sent to me by God? Hindi ko na sya papakawalan kasi sya na yata. Oo sya na nga yata. Ayoko nang mag isa ulit. Malungkot.

5. Selfishness - ive got to have this man! I need to be with this man for he seems to be the one for me. I cant let him date other girls! What if makahanap pa sya ng mas better sakin? (theres goes the fear again)

6. Desperation- I have been single and alone and lonely for quite some time. Maybe this is the chance for me to be in a real relationship. I wanted to be with someone. I have got to be with someone fast. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to feel the loneliness again! No! I cant let this happen to me and so I will have the first person who offers a relationship with me.

Ladies and gents, thing is this. SETTLING is actually not the way to do it. PATIENCE is what this situation calls for.

Many of us jump from one failed relationship to the other simply because we are in a hurry to be with someone. We have reasons I know but then again it boils down to the thought that we want everything to be at fast track.

In my own personal experience, somehow I regretted (wait I don’t want to use the word regret). Alright, sometimes I tend to look back and wish that my decisions were more mature in terms of involving myself in a relationship. Admittedly I used to be in a hurry and settle for the first available person that I get my hands into. I have learned that there are some things that we must learn about ourselves so that we would be able to see what we really deserve. There were times that I did fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life and so I have to make sure that it wont happen by forcing a relationship to work even if the obvious is very prominent from the beginning . What is the obvious? It is when you know and you feel that the person you are trying a relationship with is not as willing to make things work as you are. You will sense that the commitment is lacking. Time spent with you is deficient. Alibis would always demonstrate and the gut feel would always tell you that there is something wrong in the relationship. Time and again you would feel that what youre doing is wrong while you are in that relationship and still you try every possible exculpation that everything will work out well eventually. You are just making yourself up for a major heartbreak that personally you have caused yourself. So take it easy next time. Breathe. Feel the persons sincerity to you and wait until you are certain that he or she is the right person for you. Someone who will treat you right and someone that is worthy of your time.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Choked.

A friend of mine whose is currently in a long distance relationship asked me if she's doing the right thing about her relationship. I sensed that she is having troubles keeping up with this. She is New Zealand and her boyfriend is in the US. I asked her to narrate her dilemma and so she did. Then I pointed to her what the real problem was.

She told me that she was told by her boyfriend that he is getting choked up with all the checking up shes doing. Then she asked me, what she should do about it. Ladies read on, hear what I have to say.

While some of us wanted to always be checked up on or wants to check out our partners every so often (that’s to show and to feel that we are loved and taken cared of), some wants to have their own little lives out of the relationship. I remember feeling the same thing with one of my ex boyfriend.

I have been in a brief 3 month relationship with a man which I could say the most blissful relationship I had. (ayan in fairness to him ha. :)) He was 3 years younger than me and I could say that the love we feel for each other is on the top. We were so in love! So in love to the point that we wanted to know all the things that we are doing all times of the day. I enjoyed it at first, it made me feel that I am loved and that I am being taken cared of. He wants to know everything that I do! He must have wanted to be a part of everything in my life! He must have wanted to make sure that I am safe all the time. I enjoyed the attention. It was awesome. But time came when I got all tired of it. Most days we would argue about me not texting him as I get up in the morning (I get up at 4 am to get ready to go to my work early)I didn’t bother texting or calling him some times because I know that he has been busy finishing off some work he has and I know that he sleeps late at night and I don’t want to bother him while he is resting during wee hours in the morning. It appeared to him that I don’t really care about him knowing all the things that I do while on my part, I just wanted him to be comfortable sleeping. I didn’t mean anything bad by not telling me I already got up in the morning but then he took that negatively appearing to him that I don’t give a damn to how he feels. That time I was doing a part time work as well as a tutor during the evenings. What he would do is to pick me up at home by 6, drop me off the condo where my students are living while he would park his car and roam around the mall nearby and wait for me till I finish my tutorial then send me back home or stay with him in his condo. Again at first it seems like so much of a convenience for me but then again eventually I get all chocked up and tired of it. My moves were calculated, my life is very much controlled that time. He even asked me to give up that part time job because he was thinking I don’t have enough time for him (yes I did quit my part time job for him, yeah silly me. ) Time came when I realized that it was too much for me to handle. I need a life of my own. I broke up with him telling him that we both need to grow apart from each other. I told him that we were being too much dependent on each other and for me it isnt healthy.

Going back to my friends problem, what I asked her to do is this, she should lessen her worries and trust her partner more. I know that her case is a pretty difficult one since she is on a LDS but still its not that different as with those people who are having a close distance relationship. One thing that makes us, or our partners be as possessive as this is the lack of trust. If we provide our partners with enough trust and somehow if our partners assures us that he/she can be trusted, sure it would be an easy voyage to go. One needs not to constantly be on check with their partners as long as you bear trust with each other.

Fear is another thing. We try to be as genitive as we are because we are scared that our partners might find someone else or might meet someone more interesting than us. This is where insecurity gets in and trust is broken even further. Fear is brought about by insecurity. Insecurity can be eliminated by being comfortable with ourselves and assure that our partners can have everything from us without being afraid that someone else might give things that we cannot give.

Learn to let go and trust. Learn to set things in moderation. Maybe a call or text of reminders twice or thrice is enough. Some days you could probably extra nosey about things that he/she is doing, but some other days could be minimal. Remember, you don’t have your bf/gf in a leash.