Thursday, October 14, 2010

Tu Risa

More often than not, I still find myself thinking about the last guy ive went out with. To think about it, I never really had a chance to think about the situation we have been because of moms stroke. I don’t really know if it is a good or a bad thing for me.

I can vividly remember the night that I have received a phone call with the news. It felt like I was dreaming since I was awaken from sleep that time. It felt like it was some sort of a sick joke. A joke that I never thought will be cracked to me once again. It was an unfamiliar yet familiar feeling. I cried that night blaming myself and not anybody. I felt guilt, I hated myself for letting it happen to me and to the person whom I have unconsciously have hurted. I was not blaming anyone that time, and even now. I was just blaming myself for everything.

Weeks have passed and I still think about the situation. Earlier this morning I was feeling happy and contented with my state right now and I thought that everything happened for a reason. I was saved from a lot of things. From investing my emotions, for embarrassment.

It hasn’t been an easy journey being with that man. It took time and a lot of courage for me to open up my heart once more. I can say I never really think ill about him after all that happened. I have happy thoughts thinking about the times that we have spent. Every emotions I felt for him was surreal and I was happy. Its like a portion of my book giving me great lessons. Its like an episode in my life's series. He's like Carrie Bradshaw's Berger, brief but sweet. And for that, I am thankful.

Never did I think that what he felt for me were untrue. Never did I feel that hes faking anything he showed me. Never did I feel that I was never loved. Maybe its just me and my impeccable notion on being truthful and believing in things felt. The songs, the poems, the words were all sweet. It was a beautiful thing I have felt.

I asked at some point. Why did he do that to me? Why did he make me open up and leave just like that? Why did he lie about everything? After knowing things, what made me furious is the fact that I was lied on. I asked from the very beginning, but in the end, it all went the wrong way still. Maybe its just me, not him for I know that he keeps on telling me its of great difficulty if we try to be together. He told me I don’t deserve him, a young woman like me deserve better. He was right all along. I should have listened to him from the start. I should have believed in him for he was right. He knew better. To think about it, he somehow didn’t lie to me from the start. Thing is, he just cant tell it straight into my face. He loved me, he liked me the very least. I loved him, I think I still do and certainly he will remain to be loved all my life. I don’t care about his state in life or whatever that is that makes him feel less of a man. It never made me change the way I see him as a person. I still think he's an angel sent for me. What I care about are the people I have hurt in the process.

Moving on then again, it felt good. Ending a segment in my life opened up a new one. I am alone again and it doesn’t feel lonely in here at all. Im loving this. Even wishing I would stay here for a moment.

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