Monday, June 28, 2010

Tsaa


Kung magtatagal pa ako sa sitwasyon na ganito, paniguradong mas mahihirapan ako. Sabagay sanay naman ako na pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong mahulog sa bitag ng pagmamahal. Maraming beses na din akong nabigo nang nakaraan, pero sa awa naman ng Dyos nakabangon at naka usad din ako, dala ang mga leksyon ng nakaraang mga pangyayari. Marahil isa ito sa mga pagkakataong kailangan kong subukan pang mag muli ang pagpipigil ko sa sarili. Sa pagkakataon na ito, hindi naman siguro dahil sa masama ang kahihinatnan ng pagpipgil na gagawin ko kundi sa sarili ko ding ikabubuti.

Sa pagtanda ko lang ba o dahil din siguro unti unti nang nagbabago ang mga pananaw ko sa buhay ko. Madalas naiisip kong meron nga bang totoong dahilan kung bakit nararamdaman ko tong emosyon na to para sa isang taong alam kong imposibleng magkaron pang mamukadkad sa isang relasyon.

Isang tao ang nag mulat sakin na possible pa lang mahalin ant magustuhan ang isang taong tulad ko. Sa kauna unahang pagkakataon, naramdaman kong me partikular na napakagandang nilalang na magka gusto sakin. Sa pagkakataong ito, naramdaman kong nararapat sa akin ang isang taong katulad nya. Naramdaman kong tama sya para sa akin. Naramdaman kong tama lang na isang taong responsable, matalino, mabait, bukas ang isip sa iba ibang kultura, magandang lalake at kanais nais para sa akin. Tamang ang tipo nyang lalake ang magmahal sa akin. Sa kauna unahang pag kakataon, naparamdam ko sa sarili ko at natanggap kong tamang katulad nya ang para sa akin.

Mahirap mang paniwalaan, mayroong nag sasabi sa kaibuturan ng aking pagkatao na sya na ang lalakeng hinihintay ko. Siya na ang dahilan kung bakit ako nakaranas ng mga sawing relasyon. Madalas na naiisip kong siya na ang pinaka hihintay kong pag ibig na mag sasalba sakin sa lahat ng sakit ant hirap na dinaanan ko sa mga nakaraang relasyon. Gustong gusto kong paniwalaan na sya na. Pero nahihirapan akong kumapit at maniwala ng buong buo sa ideyang yan.

Sa pagkakataong ito, sinasara ko na ang aking sarili sa posiildad na makikilala ko ang taong kahati ng aking buhay. Bakit? Siguro dahil sa isinara ko na ang pintuan ko para sa ibang lalake dahil sa palagay kong nahanap ko na ang lalaking karapat dapat sakin. Mahirap lang siguro dahil ako lang ang bukod tangi sa pagitan namin na nag iisip ng ganyang suhestiyon. Marahil ni hindi sumagi sa isipan nya na ako din ang babaeng hinihintay nya buong buhay nya.

Nakakapit pa din ako sa posibilidad na balang araw magtatagpo ulit kami sa pagkakataong hindi inaasahan. Bagamat gusto ko nang bumitaw at bumalik sa dating pamamaraan na nakasanayan katulad ng pag lalaro at pag titiyaga sa kung sino na lang ang dumating sa buhay ko. Hindi madaling gawin ang bagay na iyon lalo na't alam kong sa aking puso, natagpuan ko na ang lalaking mamahalin ko ng buong buhay.

Sana sumagi man lang sa isip nya ang possibilidad na maari kaming maging masayang magkasama. Dahil siguro sa araw araw ng buhay ko matapos naming magkakilala sa unang pagkakataon, wala na kong ibang inisip kundi sya. Gustong gusto ko nang ipagsigawan sa buong mundo na handa na akong maging kanya habang buhay. Handa akong umalis ng bansa,, lumipat sa ibang lugar bilang isang estranghero at tanggapin lahat ng hirap malayo sa pamilya, kaibigan at sa lugar na kinalakihan at kinasanayan.

Pinakamahirap siguro sa sitwasyon ko ay ang katotohanang ako lang ang nag nanais ng lahat ng ito. Ni isang bahid ng ideya sa kung ano nga ang tunay nyang nararamdaman sa akin, wala. Araw gabi nananalangin akong makausap sya, umaasang magbabanggit man lang ng suhestiyong maari din kaming mag sama sa malapit na panahon.

Madalas na nakikita ko ang aking sariling iniisip sya at kung ano na nga bang magiging katapusan ng kwento ko sa kanya. Ngayon kaya, sa pagkakataong ganito, naiisip nyang ako din ang babang ginawa para sa kanya?

Isang bagay lang siguro ang masasabi ko para sa kanya. Na mahal ko sya at sa palagay ko, siya na ang hinihintay ko. Siguro, at wala din naman kasiguraduhan na baka nasa isa na syang relasyon. Ganun pa man palagi ko pa ding nasasabi sa sarili kong mahal ko sya at alam kong sa sarili ko, sya ang hinihintay ko buong buhay ko.

Mahirap umasa sa isang bagay na mas madalas na malayo sa katotohanan. Mga bagay na hindi ko naman kuntrolado. Wala naman akong magagawa kundi mag hintay at umasang tama pala ako mula pa sa simula.

Isa lang ang alam ko. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit nais ko nang kaligayahan. Hindi ko alam kung tama pero maaring kapalaran ang nag tutulak sakin para sabihin ang mga bagay na ganito. Ang tanging alam ko lang, MAHAL KO SIYA AT SIYA LANG ANG GUSTO KONG MAHALIN HABANG BUHAY. Sana mabigyang katuparan ang kahilingan ko. Dahil sa pagkakataong ito, alam kong sapat sya para sa akin. Alam kong tama lang sya para sa akin. At alam kong meron nag iisang tao na laan ng Panginoon para sa ikaliligaya ko.

Kung nababasa mo man ang sulat na ito, marahil nagtatanong ka kung para saan at bakit ko nagawang sabihin ito. Siguro nga kasi ikaw na ang taong nakapalaran kong makasama habang buhay. Hindi man tayo magkita ngayon, o sa mga susunod na taon, alam kong balang araw, anu mang sitwasyon sa buhay meron tayo, alam kong magkikita at magkikita tayong dalawa. Lubos ang pag asa ko sa bagay na yan. Dahil sa panahong ito, alam ko na dinala ako ng aking kapalaran upang makilala ka.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

25... though im 26. turning 27.

From a post a year ago. Taken from my facebook account. My bestfriend Stephen would love some stuff here. Thats FOSHO! :D

1. I am a licensed Nutritionist but I realy wanted to be a teacher. And so, im pursuing my passion by teaching and by studying to become a teacher. Its never to late to start anyway.

2. Melody - me, Myra - my sister, Myrna - my mom. All of us have our name start with the letter M.
Mom told me that I was supposed to be named MYLA so that me and my older sister's name rhymes. Hmmmm i dont know what happend. Haha. I like my name anyway. :)

3. I have around 20 moles all around my body. Most of them are found in parts that cannot be seen when im dressed. LOL!

4. Aside from my day job, and my side jobs, I am also writting for a tabloid circulating in Manila. You wouldnt really know its me because im a ghost writer. I get paid if they like my work, so they are asking me to submit 10 articles or more. From 10, they would probably get 2 or 3. Haha. Hirap kumita ng pera. Also a wedding coordinator, event stylist, and events host.

5. I love sharpening pencils. Ive got a good old stand sharpener and i seem to get addicted sharpening it. Haha.

6. I am a house music addict. I know almost everything about house music. I even mix my own music. I totally hate mainstream music. No pop, no alternative, no RnB. Well I like music generally but I seem to get tired of all other genres.

7. I love to eat. I can say that I am a gourmet. I appreciate different kinds of cuisine. My faves are french (thought its very rich that I vomit sometimes), indian (i love curry) japanese (makis and sushis are the best) persian (kebabs and shawarma) chinese (particularly shanghai and cantonese cuisine) and of course filipino!(adobo, karekare, sisig, sinigang and inihaw are really panalo!)

8. I am an adventure lover. I tried different kinds of outdoor activities such as trekking, caving,. surfing, diving etc etc. I used to be very tan before because of these activities. Though I changed my interest nowadays because I realized that all of it were uncomfortable. I stick with surfing though. Its ecstasy.

9. I pray a lot. I know almost all novenas for different saints of the catholic church. I used to go to St Joseph on Mondays, St Anthony on Tuesdays, Our Lady Of Perpetual help on Wednesdays, St Jude Thadeus on Thursdays, and Black Nazarene on Fridays. :) bait no???

10. I am half Waray and half Ilocano, although I dont know how to speak Ilocano. Im fluent in Waray though.

11. I am fascinated with vampires. I find them hot and sensual. I so love Lestat. :)

12. I love wearing high heeled shoes. Even if it hurts my legs.

13. Most of my clothes, dresses and shirts are in black. You will see me wear this color most of the time. I find black elegand and sophisticated. Its slims my big figure as well.

14. I am a coffee addict. I can drink around 10 cups of coffee everyday. Also a tea addict. Whenever i smell tea, it makes me think of lazy saturday afternoons.

15. Driving around the metro late at night relaxes me. I sometimes just go around Roxas Blvd to stroll.

16. I love the beach very much. I am a beach bum. I love the smell of a sea salted air, the sand between my toes, the sound of the crashing wave, the sun, the blue skies. Wow. Thats heaven for me.

17. I have PCOS. I am sadden by this thing. Thus, I kinda aspire to have a baby as early as now because my doctor told me that chances of me having a kid later in my life slims as I grow older. My uterus is as small as a woman in menopause. :(

18. I have an inch scar in my upper lip. I was brought to the hospital to have it stiched when I was 4 or 5 years old because of a bike accident.

19. Speaking of bikes, I love riding bikes and motorcycles. I can drive big bikes! :) I used to drive for hours back in the province going to different places. :)

20. Horror movies makes me happy. I love being scared although these movies cant really make me feel afraid. I just love the thrill of waiting for the scary part of the film and fearing the unknown. Drag me to Hell was the last horror movie I saw. It was awesome!!!

21. My previous relationships wouldnt last for more than 3 mos. The longest one I have would be roughly a year.

22. I get migrain attacks whenever I eat chocolate and processed food. Sometimes it gets very very bad that I cannot open my eyes anymore. So I dont eat chocolates very much. I eat white chocolates to be safe. So kung may magbibigay sa inyo ng chocolate, white please. :))

23. What I want for Christmas? a Pioneer CDJ 1000MK3 and a DJM1000. Yeah I know its too much. Hmmm can I have a BEHRINGER HPM 1000 DJ headphones instead? haha. Yup, im a frustrated DJ.

24. Im into weddings. I am also a wedding coordinator. If your getting married, you know who to call. :)

25. I am bitchy some say, im nice, some say. Well for me im bitchy nice. Impossible? I guess it is possible. :D

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Alone Again, Naturally

I have been to many stages of singlehood. But the phase I hate the most is the one im having right now. I dont know if its just me or the situation that surfaced just recently. I am single and I am alone, well atleast that how I feel at the moment. I have been single for quite some time now but I havent really felt alone. Not until my best girl buds all get hitched. To start the year, my dear friend Emelie took a plunge into marriage with her long time bf. Kay and Cathy are still in their long time relationhips. Diana, also in a relationship actually just waiting to be wed. Then just recently, Tara got engaged with her american boyfriend, and Reign got a new bf and in a bliss. Dont get me wrong, there's no strain of bitterness and resentment in my emotions. in fact I am happy for I know these friends of mine do deserve these relationships they have. I just thought it somehow left me feeling like I am getting far away from them. I was thinking, do I still have single friends to mingle with? I mean single close friends I can run to when I need a quick ice cream fix or when im itching to shop. Someone I can share my single sentiments with, pouring out my man hater thoughts and silly romantic ideas. Someone I could call in the middle of the night when im feeling lonely and would gladly nurse the feeling coz she feels the same way as I do.

Its already different. I know they cant give any attention to petty things I have been whining about. Not even think that the things I am whining about in being a lovelorn is relevant.

Talking to my friend Mark earlier, he told me how difficult it was to be in the situation I am right now. He mentioned being in the same situation few years back when all his friends are hitched and he was left in purdah.

Hmmm, I guess I could just stay in isolation until I find the right time to get out. Well of course I ve been wanting to get out of this but I know I have to wait for the right time. For I know my friends waited for long to be in the situation they are in.