Monday, November 8, 2010

Read Between the Lines.

A challenge to take is up now. I think Ill be needing some time off from all of these. Maybe its too much for me as of now. I cant seem to comprehend what I am feeling and what I am thinking. I don’t really want to be confused or to think a lot right now, for I know that I don’t really need to stress myself with things that I don’t need to be stressed at. I am giving up and I am letting go and I think this would be the perfect time to do that.

Ive got to let go of the fact that I can manipulate whatever it is I want. But here is what I want.

I want you to know that I mean it when I said I like you.
I want you to know that I think this is juvenile for me to do all of these and that I am somehow ashamed to admit it to myself.
I want you to know that I have changed a lot since I met you for reasons unknown until now.
I want you to know that I don’t even know why I said no but I think that I did the right thing.
I want you to know how much I wanted to tell you about what I feel but im too chicken to do so.
I want you to know that I want you to say that you feel the same thing for me.
I want you to know that I thought it was you that was sent to me.
I want you to know that I cant think straight, I cant stop thinking about you.
I want you to know a lot of things, things that I cant even think of right now.

I know there's nothing for I know you feel nothing about what I feel for you. You see me as your buddy and I appreciate that. And……

Shit, ok. Ive got to stop. Im putting myself in a definite embarrassment. But this one last post before I said a short goodbye. I wanted you to know that I am clearly starting off a new travel. I don’t know where this would lead me but ill definitely want to see you at the end of this. If not. Then its another FML story for me. :D

If then you would say no to any of these I professed, then I just wanna say thanks.

Thank you for making me see that I deserve someone who would respect me.
Thank you for making me realize that I deserve all the things that I am wanting.
Thank you for making me see that I need to take time.
Thank you for teaching me patience.
Thank you for accepting me.
Thank you for giving me a chance to peek through something that I think I wanted to have.
Thank you for making me think about all of these.
Thank you for making me a new woman.

Now do I really need to say your name here? Come on. Read between the lines, I beg you.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

In A Hurry?

What makes people so desperate in finding a partner? Simple. There are 6 things that cause this.

1. Insecurity - alas! I have found a date! I kinda like him, maybe it would work out this time. Maybe he finds me attractive enough for him that’s why he asked me out on a date. Maybe he finds something in me that he thinks adorable. I have to keep him interested in me. I have to please him. I have to show him too that I am much interested in him or he might notice other woman if I show him disinterest.

Date would end and it went oh so fine! Youre smelling a follow up date. (or so as you think) hours passed after he sends you home, youre at your room waiting for him to call. Shit! Why isnt he calling me or texting me to check up on me if I enjoyed the date? Oh my! did I do something wrong? Did I turn him off? Did he really mean it when he told me the dress I wore looks good on me? Maybe he was just polite that’s why he told me that he also enjoyed the date while we were on our way home. The next day he texted, he told you how much he enjoyed the date, you promised yourself you would do better on the next date and so the journey to a relationship will start.

2. Clock is ticking - im not getting any younger! I need to be in a relationship fast! Oh this guy? Pwede na to! Me work naman sya eh.Im of age already, I need to be in a relationship. All my friends are in a relationship with someone already. I need to fit in the crowd fast! Or, its already the holidays, I need a man who will introduce to the family dinner! Or I need to have a boyfriend for me to bring to my bestfriends wedding!

3. Discontent- I don’t like the last guy I dated. This one is better than the last boyfriend I had. Hes taller than my last. He seems to be wittier.

4. Fear - what if hes the one and I have let go of him? What if he was the one who was sent to me by God? Hindi ko na sya papakawalan kasi sya na yata. Oo sya na nga yata. Ayoko nang mag isa ulit. Malungkot.

5. Selfishness - ive got to have this man! I need to be with this man for he seems to be the one for me. I cant let him date other girls! What if makahanap pa sya ng mas better sakin? (theres goes the fear again)

6. Desperation- I have been single and alone and lonely for quite some time. Maybe this is the chance for me to be in a real relationship. I wanted to be with someone. I have got to be with someone fast. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to feel the loneliness again! No! I cant let this happen to me and so I will have the first person who offers a relationship with me.

Ladies and gents, thing is this. SETTLING is actually not the way to do it. PATIENCE is what this situation calls for.

Many of us jump from one failed relationship to the other simply because we are in a hurry to be with someone. We have reasons I know but then again it boils down to the thought that we want everything to be at fast track.

In my own personal experience, somehow I regretted (wait I don’t want to use the word regret). Alright, sometimes I tend to look back and wish that my decisions were more mature in terms of involving myself in a relationship. Admittedly I used to be in a hurry and settle for the first available person that I get my hands into. I have learned that there are some things that we must learn about ourselves so that we would be able to see what we really deserve. There were times that I did fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life and so I have to make sure that it wont happen by forcing a relationship to work even if the obvious is very prominent from the beginning . What is the obvious? It is when you know and you feel that the person you are trying a relationship with is not as willing to make things work as you are. You will sense that the commitment is lacking. Time spent with you is deficient. Alibis would always demonstrate and the gut feel would always tell you that there is something wrong in the relationship. Time and again you would feel that what youre doing is wrong while you are in that relationship and still you try every possible exculpation that everything will work out well eventually. You are just making yourself up for a major heartbreak that personally you have caused yourself. So take it easy next time. Breathe. Feel the persons sincerity to you and wait until you are certain that he or she is the right person for you. Someone who will treat you right and someone that is worthy of your time.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Choked.

A friend of mine whose is currently in a long distance relationship asked me if she's doing the right thing about her relationship. I sensed that she is having troubles keeping up with this. She is New Zealand and her boyfriend is in the US. I asked her to narrate her dilemma and so she did. Then I pointed to her what the real problem was.

She told me that she was told by her boyfriend that he is getting choked up with all the checking up shes doing. Then she asked me, what she should do about it. Ladies read on, hear what I have to say.

While some of us wanted to always be checked up on or wants to check out our partners every so often (that’s to show and to feel that we are loved and taken cared of), some wants to have their own little lives out of the relationship. I remember feeling the same thing with one of my ex boyfriend.

I have been in a brief 3 month relationship with a man which I could say the most blissful relationship I had. (ayan in fairness to him ha. :)) He was 3 years younger than me and I could say that the love we feel for each other is on the top. We were so in love! So in love to the point that we wanted to know all the things that we are doing all times of the day. I enjoyed it at first, it made me feel that I am loved and that I am being taken cared of. He wants to know everything that I do! He must have wanted to be a part of everything in my life! He must have wanted to make sure that I am safe all the time. I enjoyed the attention. It was awesome. But time came when I got all tired of it. Most days we would argue about me not texting him as I get up in the morning (I get up at 4 am to get ready to go to my work early)I didn’t bother texting or calling him some times because I know that he has been busy finishing off some work he has and I know that he sleeps late at night and I don’t want to bother him while he is resting during wee hours in the morning. It appeared to him that I don’t really care about him knowing all the things that I do while on my part, I just wanted him to be comfortable sleeping. I didn’t mean anything bad by not telling me I already got up in the morning but then he took that negatively appearing to him that I don’t give a damn to how he feels. That time I was doing a part time work as well as a tutor during the evenings. What he would do is to pick me up at home by 6, drop me off the condo where my students are living while he would park his car and roam around the mall nearby and wait for me till I finish my tutorial then send me back home or stay with him in his condo. Again at first it seems like so much of a convenience for me but then again eventually I get all chocked up and tired of it. My moves were calculated, my life is very much controlled that time. He even asked me to give up that part time job because he was thinking I don’t have enough time for him (yes I did quit my part time job for him, yeah silly me. ) Time came when I realized that it was too much for me to handle. I need a life of my own. I broke up with him telling him that we both need to grow apart from each other. I told him that we were being too much dependent on each other and for me it isnt healthy.

Going back to my friends problem, what I asked her to do is this, she should lessen her worries and trust her partner more. I know that her case is a pretty difficult one since she is on a LDS but still its not that different as with those people who are having a close distance relationship. One thing that makes us, or our partners be as possessive as this is the lack of trust. If we provide our partners with enough trust and somehow if our partners assures us that he/she can be trusted, sure it would be an easy voyage to go. One needs not to constantly be on check with their partners as long as you bear trust with each other.

Fear is another thing. We try to be as genitive as we are because we are scared that our partners might find someone else or might meet someone more interesting than us. This is where insecurity gets in and trust is broken even further. Fear is brought about by insecurity. Insecurity can be eliminated by being comfortable with ourselves and assure that our partners can have everything from us without being afraid that someone else might give things that we cannot give.

Learn to let go and trust. Learn to set things in moderation. Maybe a call or text of reminders twice or thrice is enough. Some days you could probably extra nosey about things that he/she is doing, but some other days could be minimal. Remember, you don’t have your bf/gf in a leash.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Gender Roles

Being able to excel in most of the things that only men can do, we women nowadays find it easy to play roles in the society that most people years ago will find gender specific. Men and women have roles that apparently cannot be erased by any diversified and modernized society. Glued with the thought that men do musculine things and women only do feminine things, I tend to differ on some areas in which I have already vocally expressed to some of my friends even before.

I have a strong sense of opinion in which wants me to put into the same level how men and women should act in a specific situation. I know that there are some things that men are "supposed" to be doing but in my opinion women should and could do as well.

I am talking about courtship, or expressing to someone an interest which women cannot openly do. It frustrates me to think that us women cannot pursue someone that we wanted to be in a relationship with. Someone once told me that it is ok for a woman to show a man that she is interested with him, however, a woman should never take the first move in saying that she loves him. She should wait for the man to say those words to her. It makes sense yes, but still, talking about the roles in the society, it seems to be a little odd for a woman to pursue someone specifically a man. Say I am old fashioned but does that move destroys how God created men and women and the parts that they are supposed to be playing?

I am particularly fancying someone as of the moment. I have been vocal on how much I liked him. But that leaves me with much thwarting because I have to stop right there. I cant make the next move. I made him known the fact that I do like him and now, I must wait for him to do the next incite. See this is where I was heading. If I were a boy (Beyonce singing in the background right now…) I could have done something more. Perhaps call him every so often to check up on him. Or send him things that he likes and that would make him feel better. Probably tell him how much I wanted to spend time with him, maybe tell him my plans for him in the future. Maybe ask him questions about his family and his work, tell him how much I wanted to be a part of it. It could be that I could befriend his friends and tell them to make "lakad" to me for him. If he rejects me once, I could still wait for him to realize that I am a valuable woman and that I would do all things possible just for me to be with him. I could make him think that I am sincere with my intentions. All these things a man can easily do (unless he is very torpe) and is acceptable for everyone, but not for a lady like me. Men can get away with their lady beloved. It is easy for them to do that since they have the green lights to do those things. Because they are men.

Probably if you're a guy and you are reading this, you could be thinking that a women who will do such thing is desperate! You could be asking, why is she doing those things when in fact she should wait for a man to do those things to her?! Well that is exactly my point! We cannot do those things simply because it is morally unacceptable for a woman like me to act as a man in the play of courtship. And yeah this is what frustrates me the most.

It bilks me to think that I have to stop in a specific step and not proceed to the next because I am expected to stay where I am. I am a go getter, and I would be proud to say that I do get what I want. Not this time and not in this situation. There is nothing I could do but to wait for the next move coming from the other side. If the moves are not executed then the game for me is definitely over.

If you were to ask me what I will do with the lucky man im liking right now? I would say id do nothing. Probably wait. Or just dismiss the emotions, ignore him maybe. Or?!.....

Monday, October 25, 2010

Love Language

Im not a relationship expert. Ive never even have a close to perfect relationship instead I have been through terrible ones, although I could say that all of them were blissful, (alright I'll get into that some other time soon).

I used to always aspire to be in a relationship. Be with someone that I can share my life with. I used to share that aspiration with a friend. I said how nice it would be to be with someone who can share your life with! I was unlucky in that department and so I let go of that thought. Then I started loving being alone. :)

One thing I learned about being with someone is the art of compromise and acceptance. Accept your partner for who he is. Accept the things that he can and he cant do. Accept the things that he cannot give you, accept the things that you don’t want in him, accept everything that he can and he cant be. Learn to study your partner. Learn to know in what way he shows his love to you so you would understand his love language. We all have different love languages and so you cant just say that your love language is the same as his. If you’re the type who showers your partner with sweet nothings and praises of how adorable and sexy and wonderful he is, well don’t expect your partner will do the same if he isnt the type of person whose vocal about those things. He could be showing you how much he adores you in a fairly different manner as you were expecting.

Ive went out with a guy who rarely told me how beautiful I am. (I don’t mind because I know I am, kidding. ) but would always touch my hair and kiss my eyes for him to know he likes those things in me. I had a boyfriend on the other hand who constantly says how he thinks im beautiful and how he adores me. I totally dig how different they were and I do appreciate that they profess their admiration in different ways. We all have to study our partner. Weve got to know their behavior, how they would handle things in a relationship, how they are when theyre mad and how they are when they are happy. More often than not, the problem with is ladies is that we constantly seek assurance from our partners which basically don’t happen that much since you are dating a guy! (unless youre dating Cassannova who uses words to always swoon his partners)

The love language we all possess is different from one person to another. No two persons are alike in this. You are not your boyfriend/girlfriend. You don’t expect he/she would do the things your doing to him/her just because youre giving it out to him/her. :)


PS:
for my lalove Reign... He does love you. :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Now this is REALLY about you!!!!

Im done with you. Im done with the both of you. I have been done with this a long time ago. Case closed, arguments no more. Its done. He's yours, you’re his'. What to fret about with that? No need to send me mails. No need to contact me in any way. No need to be affected for I am a nobody. I am no one. Someone who has no bearing in your relationship. Say that im a bitch that’s fine. I could be if you wanted me to, and if I wanted to. But I choose not to. You need to pick up the pieces. Stop thinking that I am a threat. Ive got issues of my own and I would want to settle them for now. Please help me with this by ignoring me. Im begging to be ignored. My life is a struggle. From the past hurts I have had. I know you both are hurt as well, were all victims here. But why don’t we just pray? Pray for each one?

I lost in this. I did. You both win. For hurting me. For hurting each other. What shall we do then? Hurt each other more? I don’t think that it’s the perfect solution. Please stop tormenting me with your lament. Again if I have hurted you in any way, I didn’t mean it. Believe me I didn’t. After the blog, ive never thought about you. Promise I never thought about you guys then again. When I said something in my twit, its not for you but for someone else. Please believe me. Please stop dunning me for words that I said that was not meant for you. Please don’t shoulder everything. Again, not every single thing I say is about you. But this time, everything that I say here is ALL ABOUT YOU. But I say this will be the very last time I will ever say anything about you anymore in any way. So stop claiming. Capisce?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Tu Risa

More often than not, I still find myself thinking about the last guy ive went out with. To think about it, I never really had a chance to think about the situation we have been because of moms stroke. I don’t really know if it is a good or a bad thing for me.

I can vividly remember the night that I have received a phone call with the news. It felt like I was dreaming since I was awaken from sleep that time. It felt like it was some sort of a sick joke. A joke that I never thought will be cracked to me once again. It was an unfamiliar yet familiar feeling. I cried that night blaming myself and not anybody. I felt guilt, I hated myself for letting it happen to me and to the person whom I have unconsciously have hurted. I was not blaming anyone that time, and even now. I was just blaming myself for everything.

Weeks have passed and I still think about the situation. Earlier this morning I was feeling happy and contented with my state right now and I thought that everything happened for a reason. I was saved from a lot of things. From investing my emotions, for embarrassment.

It hasn’t been an easy journey being with that man. It took time and a lot of courage for me to open up my heart once more. I can say I never really think ill about him after all that happened. I have happy thoughts thinking about the times that we have spent. Every emotions I felt for him was surreal and I was happy. Its like a portion of my book giving me great lessons. Its like an episode in my life's series. He's like Carrie Bradshaw's Berger, brief but sweet. And for that, I am thankful.

Never did I think that what he felt for me were untrue. Never did I feel that hes faking anything he showed me. Never did I feel that I was never loved. Maybe its just me and my impeccable notion on being truthful and believing in things felt. The songs, the poems, the words were all sweet. It was a beautiful thing I have felt.

I asked at some point. Why did he do that to me? Why did he make me open up and leave just like that? Why did he lie about everything? After knowing things, what made me furious is the fact that I was lied on. I asked from the very beginning, but in the end, it all went the wrong way still. Maybe its just me, not him for I know that he keeps on telling me its of great difficulty if we try to be together. He told me I don’t deserve him, a young woman like me deserve better. He was right all along. I should have listened to him from the start. I should have believed in him for he was right. He knew better. To think about it, he somehow didn’t lie to me from the start. Thing is, he just cant tell it straight into my face. He loved me, he liked me the very least. I loved him, I think I still do and certainly he will remain to be loved all my life. I don’t care about his state in life or whatever that is that makes him feel less of a man. It never made me change the way I see him as a person. I still think he's an angel sent for me. What I care about are the people I have hurt in the process.

Moving on then again, it felt good. Ending a segment in my life opened up a new one. I am alone again and it doesn’t feel lonely in here at all. Im loving this. Even wishing I would stay here for a moment.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The 15th Philippine President

On Politics:

Never have I been excited and positive with the new government as much as I am right now. I dont really talk much about politics for I know I'm in for much stress and migraine if I do so. Not that I dont care about it, its just that I have loss my interest in it since I really cant see how these politician strive for the country's betterment. All I ever felt is dissappointment and hopelessness. But since the Aquino administration is starting, I cant help but indulge into my positivity. Somehow, this could be a start of a new Philippines. I am full of hope with regards to the advancement in the economy as well as the quality of life here in the country. I have never wanted to leave The Philippines (well thats if the love of my life never would ask me to move to that other part of the world with him :)) and so all my desire for this country to be a better one still persist.

I listened, carefully to the new presidents inagural speech, re read it this morning as I start my day. I can say that it is too much to be realistic but then I thought that we all might as well aim high than aim for nothing. I love how it sounds. Envisioning the Philippines productive and advancing is a dream come true not just for me but for the entire nation. Lives would be better, most everyone would have a job, economy will be of high standard, and my business will sure be booming. :)

If the country gets better, more people will have a better quality of living. Most will thought of getting married since everything is going on stable. Since life is easy and money is abundant, most of them definitely would be asking for my wedding services. I earn money, they have their dream weddings, their married lives would be great, I will be abundant. I know it does sounds selfish but hey, im just being practical here ok?

I just hope that this would be a reality. I am wishing for a great next 6 years under this administration.

The new president didnt really had the pleasure of my support last election. But I said I was not closing my doors in helping him as he start his term. He has my full support. Me and the rest of the hopeful Philippines who wanted sheer hope for everybody's amelioration.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Tsaa


Kung magtatagal pa ako sa sitwasyon na ganito, paniguradong mas mahihirapan ako. Sabagay sanay naman ako na pinipigilan ko ang sarili kong mahulog sa bitag ng pagmamahal. Maraming beses na din akong nabigo nang nakaraan, pero sa awa naman ng Dyos nakabangon at naka usad din ako, dala ang mga leksyon ng nakaraang mga pangyayari. Marahil isa ito sa mga pagkakataong kailangan kong subukan pang mag muli ang pagpipigil ko sa sarili. Sa pagkakataon na ito, hindi naman siguro dahil sa masama ang kahihinatnan ng pagpipgil na gagawin ko kundi sa sarili ko ding ikabubuti.

Sa pagtanda ko lang ba o dahil din siguro unti unti nang nagbabago ang mga pananaw ko sa buhay ko. Madalas naiisip kong meron nga bang totoong dahilan kung bakit nararamdaman ko tong emosyon na to para sa isang taong alam kong imposibleng magkaron pang mamukadkad sa isang relasyon.

Isang tao ang nag mulat sakin na possible pa lang mahalin ant magustuhan ang isang taong tulad ko. Sa kauna unahang pagkakataon, naramdaman kong me partikular na napakagandang nilalang na magka gusto sakin. Sa pagkakataong ito, naramdaman kong nararapat sa akin ang isang taong katulad nya. Naramdaman kong tama sya para sa akin. Naramdaman kong tama lang na isang taong responsable, matalino, mabait, bukas ang isip sa iba ibang kultura, magandang lalake at kanais nais para sa akin. Tamang ang tipo nyang lalake ang magmahal sa akin. Sa kauna unahang pag kakataon, naparamdam ko sa sarili ko at natanggap kong tamang katulad nya ang para sa akin.

Mahirap mang paniwalaan, mayroong nag sasabi sa kaibuturan ng aking pagkatao na sya na ang lalakeng hinihintay ko. Siya na ang dahilan kung bakit ako nakaranas ng mga sawing relasyon. Madalas na naiisip kong siya na ang pinaka hihintay kong pag ibig na mag sasalba sakin sa lahat ng sakit ant hirap na dinaanan ko sa mga nakaraang relasyon. Gustong gusto kong paniwalaan na sya na. Pero nahihirapan akong kumapit at maniwala ng buong buo sa ideyang yan.

Sa pagkakataong ito, sinasara ko na ang aking sarili sa posiildad na makikilala ko ang taong kahati ng aking buhay. Bakit? Siguro dahil sa isinara ko na ang pintuan ko para sa ibang lalake dahil sa palagay kong nahanap ko na ang lalaking karapat dapat sakin. Mahirap lang siguro dahil ako lang ang bukod tangi sa pagitan namin na nag iisip ng ganyang suhestiyon. Marahil ni hindi sumagi sa isipan nya na ako din ang babaeng hinihintay nya buong buhay nya.

Nakakapit pa din ako sa posibilidad na balang araw magtatagpo ulit kami sa pagkakataong hindi inaasahan. Bagamat gusto ko nang bumitaw at bumalik sa dating pamamaraan na nakasanayan katulad ng pag lalaro at pag titiyaga sa kung sino na lang ang dumating sa buhay ko. Hindi madaling gawin ang bagay na iyon lalo na't alam kong sa aking puso, natagpuan ko na ang lalaking mamahalin ko ng buong buhay.

Sana sumagi man lang sa isip nya ang possibilidad na maari kaming maging masayang magkasama. Dahil siguro sa araw araw ng buhay ko matapos naming magkakilala sa unang pagkakataon, wala na kong ibang inisip kundi sya. Gustong gusto ko nang ipagsigawan sa buong mundo na handa na akong maging kanya habang buhay. Handa akong umalis ng bansa,, lumipat sa ibang lugar bilang isang estranghero at tanggapin lahat ng hirap malayo sa pamilya, kaibigan at sa lugar na kinalakihan at kinasanayan.

Pinakamahirap siguro sa sitwasyon ko ay ang katotohanang ako lang ang nag nanais ng lahat ng ito. Ni isang bahid ng ideya sa kung ano nga ang tunay nyang nararamdaman sa akin, wala. Araw gabi nananalangin akong makausap sya, umaasang magbabanggit man lang ng suhestiyong maari din kaming mag sama sa malapit na panahon.

Madalas na nakikita ko ang aking sariling iniisip sya at kung ano na nga bang magiging katapusan ng kwento ko sa kanya. Ngayon kaya, sa pagkakataong ganito, naiisip nyang ako din ang babang ginawa para sa kanya?

Isang bagay lang siguro ang masasabi ko para sa kanya. Na mahal ko sya at sa palagay ko, siya na ang hinihintay ko. Siguro, at wala din naman kasiguraduhan na baka nasa isa na syang relasyon. Ganun pa man palagi ko pa ding nasasabi sa sarili kong mahal ko sya at alam kong sa sarili ko, sya ang hinihintay ko buong buhay ko.

Mahirap umasa sa isang bagay na mas madalas na malayo sa katotohanan. Mga bagay na hindi ko naman kuntrolado. Wala naman akong magagawa kundi mag hintay at umasang tama pala ako mula pa sa simula.

Isa lang ang alam ko. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit nais ko nang kaligayahan. Hindi ko alam kung tama pero maaring kapalaran ang nag tutulak sakin para sabihin ang mga bagay na ganito. Ang tanging alam ko lang, MAHAL KO SIYA AT SIYA LANG ANG GUSTO KONG MAHALIN HABANG BUHAY. Sana mabigyang katuparan ang kahilingan ko. Dahil sa pagkakataong ito, alam kong sapat sya para sa akin. Alam kong tama lang sya para sa akin. At alam kong meron nag iisang tao na laan ng Panginoon para sa ikaliligaya ko.

Kung nababasa mo man ang sulat na ito, marahil nagtatanong ka kung para saan at bakit ko nagawang sabihin ito. Siguro nga kasi ikaw na ang taong nakapalaran kong makasama habang buhay. Hindi man tayo magkita ngayon, o sa mga susunod na taon, alam kong balang araw, anu mang sitwasyon sa buhay meron tayo, alam kong magkikita at magkikita tayong dalawa. Lubos ang pag asa ko sa bagay na yan. Dahil sa panahong ito, alam ko na dinala ako ng aking kapalaran upang makilala ka.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

25... though im 26. turning 27.

From a post a year ago. Taken from my facebook account. My bestfriend Stephen would love some stuff here. Thats FOSHO! :D

1. I am a licensed Nutritionist but I realy wanted to be a teacher. And so, im pursuing my passion by teaching and by studying to become a teacher. Its never to late to start anyway.

2. Melody - me, Myra - my sister, Myrna - my mom. All of us have our name start with the letter M.
Mom told me that I was supposed to be named MYLA so that me and my older sister's name rhymes. Hmmmm i dont know what happend. Haha. I like my name anyway. :)

3. I have around 20 moles all around my body. Most of them are found in parts that cannot be seen when im dressed. LOL!

4. Aside from my day job, and my side jobs, I am also writting for a tabloid circulating in Manila. You wouldnt really know its me because im a ghost writer. I get paid if they like my work, so they are asking me to submit 10 articles or more. From 10, they would probably get 2 or 3. Haha. Hirap kumita ng pera. Also a wedding coordinator, event stylist, and events host.

5. I love sharpening pencils. Ive got a good old stand sharpener and i seem to get addicted sharpening it. Haha.

6. I am a house music addict. I know almost everything about house music. I even mix my own music. I totally hate mainstream music. No pop, no alternative, no RnB. Well I like music generally but I seem to get tired of all other genres.

7. I love to eat. I can say that I am a gourmet. I appreciate different kinds of cuisine. My faves are french (thought its very rich that I vomit sometimes), indian (i love curry) japanese (makis and sushis are the best) persian (kebabs and shawarma) chinese (particularly shanghai and cantonese cuisine) and of course filipino!(adobo, karekare, sisig, sinigang and inihaw are really panalo!)

8. I am an adventure lover. I tried different kinds of outdoor activities such as trekking, caving,. surfing, diving etc etc. I used to be very tan before because of these activities. Though I changed my interest nowadays because I realized that all of it were uncomfortable. I stick with surfing though. Its ecstasy.

9. I pray a lot. I know almost all novenas for different saints of the catholic church. I used to go to St Joseph on Mondays, St Anthony on Tuesdays, Our Lady Of Perpetual help on Wednesdays, St Jude Thadeus on Thursdays, and Black Nazarene on Fridays. :) bait no???

10. I am half Waray and half Ilocano, although I dont know how to speak Ilocano. Im fluent in Waray though.

11. I am fascinated with vampires. I find them hot and sensual. I so love Lestat. :)

12. I love wearing high heeled shoes. Even if it hurts my legs.

13. Most of my clothes, dresses and shirts are in black. You will see me wear this color most of the time. I find black elegand and sophisticated. Its slims my big figure as well.

14. I am a coffee addict. I can drink around 10 cups of coffee everyday. Also a tea addict. Whenever i smell tea, it makes me think of lazy saturday afternoons.

15. Driving around the metro late at night relaxes me. I sometimes just go around Roxas Blvd to stroll.

16. I love the beach very much. I am a beach bum. I love the smell of a sea salted air, the sand between my toes, the sound of the crashing wave, the sun, the blue skies. Wow. Thats heaven for me.

17. I have PCOS. I am sadden by this thing. Thus, I kinda aspire to have a baby as early as now because my doctor told me that chances of me having a kid later in my life slims as I grow older. My uterus is as small as a woman in menopause. :(

18. I have an inch scar in my upper lip. I was brought to the hospital to have it stiched when I was 4 or 5 years old because of a bike accident.

19. Speaking of bikes, I love riding bikes and motorcycles. I can drive big bikes! :) I used to drive for hours back in the province going to different places. :)

20. Horror movies makes me happy. I love being scared although these movies cant really make me feel afraid. I just love the thrill of waiting for the scary part of the film and fearing the unknown. Drag me to Hell was the last horror movie I saw. It was awesome!!!

21. My previous relationships wouldnt last for more than 3 mos. The longest one I have would be roughly a year.

22. I get migrain attacks whenever I eat chocolate and processed food. Sometimes it gets very very bad that I cannot open my eyes anymore. So I dont eat chocolates very much. I eat white chocolates to be safe. So kung may magbibigay sa inyo ng chocolate, white please. :))

23. What I want for Christmas? a Pioneer CDJ 1000MK3 and a DJM1000. Yeah I know its too much. Hmmm can I have a BEHRINGER HPM 1000 DJ headphones instead? haha. Yup, im a frustrated DJ.

24. Im into weddings. I am also a wedding coordinator. If your getting married, you know who to call. :)

25. I am bitchy some say, im nice, some say. Well for me im bitchy nice. Impossible? I guess it is possible. :D

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Alone Again, Naturally

I have been to many stages of singlehood. But the phase I hate the most is the one im having right now. I dont know if its just me or the situation that surfaced just recently. I am single and I am alone, well atleast that how I feel at the moment. I have been single for quite some time now but I havent really felt alone. Not until my best girl buds all get hitched. To start the year, my dear friend Emelie took a plunge into marriage with her long time bf. Kay and Cathy are still in their long time relationhips. Diana, also in a relationship actually just waiting to be wed. Then just recently, Tara got engaged with her american boyfriend, and Reign got a new bf and in a bliss. Dont get me wrong, there's no strain of bitterness and resentment in my emotions. in fact I am happy for I know these friends of mine do deserve these relationships they have. I just thought it somehow left me feeling like I am getting far away from them. I was thinking, do I still have single friends to mingle with? I mean single close friends I can run to when I need a quick ice cream fix or when im itching to shop. Someone I can share my single sentiments with, pouring out my man hater thoughts and silly romantic ideas. Someone I could call in the middle of the night when im feeling lonely and would gladly nurse the feeling coz she feels the same way as I do.

Its already different. I know they cant give any attention to petty things I have been whining about. Not even think that the things I am whining about in being a lovelorn is relevant.

Talking to my friend Mark earlier, he told me how difficult it was to be in the situation I am right now. He mentioned being in the same situation few years back when all his friends are hitched and he was left in purdah.

Hmmm, I guess I could just stay in isolation until I find the right time to get out. Well of course I ve been wanting to get out of this but I know I have to wait for the right time. For I know my friends waited for long to be in the situation they are in.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Just got inked.






I got a few raised eyebrows as I decided to finally get a tattoo ive been wanting. I know, in this society we are living in, many misconception about people with tattoos arises. I simply dont care at all, for this decision took me a long time to decide on to and made me feel that I am an independent woman, capable of deciding on my own.

I am young and single and I must say on the top of my game. I simply love the independecy that this one gives me.

I have been contemplating about getting inked for quite some time now. It took me 5 good years of deciding whether or not to do it. It's a big decision that I finally took to the finish line just yesterday.

Choosing from various designs from hibiscus flower (because I love the beach and im a summer bum) to different musical notes (since my name is Melody), I came across a perfect design which I think fits me the best.

Its quite common I guess to see the design I chose. But for me, the artful expression of putting it in a place where I thought was wise made it very Me.

It was nerve wracking. Still to the very last minute I was having second thoughts whether im gonna do it or not. But the excitement that budded as I showed the design to the artist, the preparation of stenciling and seeing the needles made me decided to go for it.

My friend Rebecca recommended Toxttattoo. They have branches in Robinsons Metroeast and Robinsons Pioneer. Kuya Tox own the shop and he was the one who did the inking to me. The staff were gracious and sure it was a memorable experience for me. Although it was a bit difficult to set an appointment with them since they really dont answer sms. Might as well call for an appointment.

It took us approximately 20-30 minutes to finish my design. I decided to have it in my right upper thigh. Why there? Well I though about having my tattoo not to show off but really for self gratification. I want it to rarely be seen. I thought I rarely wear shorts and if in case I do, i'm sure I am at the beach or at home. Its not that exposed and I want it just like that.

The end result was amazing. I love the experience so much and I thought of getting my next one right away. (haha yeah I still have to think about it a million times again)

I am happy to see it finally come to life in my skin. Such wonderful work of art that reflects my personality. I have no single strain of regret.

For more info, heres the details of the tattoo artist.

TOXZTATTOO
mobile: 0919.668.8965
email: toxz@toxztattoo.com
website: http://toxztattoo.com/

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Realize

Sometimes, I guess, you will realy come to the point where you would look at things and you would realize that somehow it is unfair. Probably i am impatient. Probably I am immature. But i know im just human , wanting something good for my life. That something, that I cannot have and will not have.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Trapped

I don’t really know if its just me, or the technological lifestyle I am living is the way of life for most of the people nowadays. To sum up my web time, I basically spend more hours online than doing things that typically people should be doing. Sometimes I think, am I still utilizing the web right? Or am I going overboard?

Lack of time perhaps or because it is just convenient for me, I took my social life into the internet and made most of my recent encounters there. Not knowing and not expecting I would be entering a great deal of emotional roller coaster.

Not knowing how to react and how to deal with a situation I am in now. I think the blame has to be my endless hours online and signing up for millions of different social networking sites online. Meeting people who are interesting and who accidentally have been holding so much of my interest for the past weeks.

I’m in a bliss thinking of having a sweep-me-off-my-feet romance with someone so far away from me. I am so attracted that I think its totally insane! Dealing with this kind of emotion is a little too juvenile for me, for lately ive been, or at least trying to do grown up stuff. Not that I don’t want it, I completely dig the “kilig” moments and the sleepless nights thinking of what if’s. It’s totally making me feel different and alive at the same time. I never thought I could still arrive in this particular emotional state which I tried so much to ignore for some time right now.

It’s a breath of fresh air. Its seventh heaven and im kinda liking it. But what if I let myself be in this state for a long time? Am I on again for a disappointment?

Oh why? Why does he have to be so cunning? Why does he have to be so foxy? Why does he have to be so like me in almost anything? Why do we share the same provocativeness? Or should I be asking why did I meet him in the first place? And most importantly, why does he have to be so far from me? Darn!

Now I have to go back blaming my inexhaustible online time. Shall I lessen it? Shall I delete all my social networking sites? Shall I cut my phone line and my internet connection? Shall I ignore him? Shall I ignore my budding feelings for him? Shall I?

I am being a coward. This is not good.

Oh well, we will see.

There must be some sort of a special reason why this happened to me. A sign? A task? A lesson? Perhaps destiny? Oh im being cheesy.

Alright im’a cut the crap and go back chatting. Haha! Goodness I am trapped in an internet prison! But im oh so loving it.

Friday, April 2, 2010

He cant be the one because he refused to be the one.

What shall I wear?
Oh gosh im really nervous!

Yes, I have never been nervous in a date for a long time and this will be the first time then again that I am feeling aflutter in going out with someone.

The drive going to Megamall is pretty relaxing. I was playing some Ibiza music to calm my nerves.
Will he like me?
Will I like him?
Will he kiss me?
Is he gonna be nice to me?

Oh gosh I cant wait to arrive there.

As I parked my car and walked towards the mall entrance, thought of having a relationship and being committed flashed into my mind. Do I really want to be in a relationship? Why am I even thinking about it? I don’t even know if he's gonna like me or not!

He sent me an sms telling me where we will meet. We agreed on what place he'l meet me and off I walked towards that place.

From afar I saw a man wearing a white shirt. Neat I thought. :)

I have waited for him to ask me out for almost a month. I have been anticipating things that we could do and things that we could talk about. I have been imagining how the chemistry between the both of us could be. I am thinking how wonderful our date will be. All are coming true tonight.

He brought me to the arcade. We laughed and talked and played like were kids. I enjoyed it very much, and I know from there that I do like him very much. I do.

The night ended with a kiss as he walked me through my car. I liked the way he kissed me. So sweet and charming. At that time, I thought, why not? He seems to be a very appealing man. We exchanged a couple of text messages after that.

But a few weeks have passed and I havent heard anything from him anymore. At first I assumed that maybe hes busy and I know that he has always been like that. But I was wrong. :( he never liked me.

I know dating is trial and error. He doesn’t like me ok. But darn I like him a lot! These are the times wherein I would hope that we women can do what men can do. I wanted him, I mean I wanted to give it a shot.

How I wish I could flood him with text messages. I wish I could ask him out again for a date. I wish that I could do something for him to like me back. But I know I cant. I cant because I am a woman. I cant because I am me, not pushing herself to someone who doesn’t like her. I said I like him, but is that enough for me to have his mind change about liking me as well? No I don’t think so.

He's wonderful. He is witty and charming. He loves arts and music. He talks sensibly. He's handsome and alluring and he's sexy. He's someone that I wanted. Somebody that I's like to be with. Someone whom I imagined talking to and make love with. But he's not gonna be anything like that. Because he refused to.

Too bad.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Mobile Quiapo (reposted from my previous blogsite)

I have just got to retrieve this post for clarification and confirmations purposes. haha!

Mobile Quiapo
Sunday July 20th 2008, 9:49 pm

Getting a cab on a Friday night is never easy, well never been a breeze at all. I was having second thoughts if I would still join my buddies Carlo and Jep for a nightout. It was Friday and I was dead tired from working the whole week. Still I know I’ve been dying to have a dose of some good rasta music which I have been missing for quite some time now.

I was standing along side the street for almost 15 minutes, almost 6 cabs had passed me, still no good. Now my feet is dragging back to my home. Luckily a cab stopped infront of me but to my surprise a couple was sitting at the back. The cab driver opened the door and asked.

"San ka miss?"

" Sa Ortigas po manong, Julia Vargas" I replied.

"Tara sakay ka na, dyan lang naman sila sa may La Loma eh, mahirap talaga kumuha ng taxi ngayon". He told me trying to convince me to grab the offer.

I hesitated for a moment. I looked at my watch. 9:15. I still have 15 minutes to make it on time. I looked at the couple at the back of the cab and asked.

"Ok lang po ba?"

Both answered me with a nod and a smile. Nice. My angels for the night.

I sat beside the cab driver, which I basically dont do when I ride a cab. But that night I dont have a choice. No biggie though, atleast im on my way.

After around 15 minutes, the couple reached their destination. Im now really on my way to our meeting place. I was getting a bit excited when the cab driver started a conversation with me.

"Hindi mo naitatanong, eh isa akong manghihilot" said the driver to me.

I looked at him trying to guess how old is he. The moment I heard that he is a manghihilot, i basically have thought of an old man. He looked like hes in his late 30’s. A bit young to be a manghihilot.

I tried to sense where he is going with it.

"Alam mo papayat ka kapag minasahe ka sa partikular na parte ng katawan mo eh, katulad sa braso tsaka sa likuran mo" he uttered.

Aba naman, the nerve of this man to tap on this subject. Well im not really sensitive about this matter coz I do know im on the heavy side but this topic is the least that I wanted to talk about after a whole week of eating a No Added salt diet and feeling I am deprived of the joys of eating!

I politely smilled at the man, wanting him to realize that I am not that interested in talking about the massage techniques he was telling me for me to loose the extra weight that I have but he just keeps on talking.

" Eh miss, hindi mo rin naman naitatanong, marunong din akong bumasa ng kapalaran." He smiled.

Now he knows my future! Amazing! ( i said that sarcastically) He asked for my hand for him to take a peak at my future through my palms.

I looked out and saw this long line of cars as we stroll along Araneta Avenue, then I thought, there’s really no harm in knowing what the future holds for me from a stranger. Besides this will cost me 100 bucks if I go to Quiapo and seek the fortune tellers insane predictions about my future.

" Siyam na binata, isa lang ang matino… Labing apat na foreigners, nako! Mahigit 30 na me mga asawa mahuhumaling sayo! "

Whew now thats too much for me to handle! I grabbed my hand back and laughed!

9 single guys, only 1 is good.
14 foreigners.
30 married men who will go crazy over me.

Talk about reading my future.

I was still laughing my heart out but as I do that, I started sorting out the guys I have went out with and I had relationships with. Darn, 1 ouf of 9? Have I met him? Will I meet him in the near future? Hmmm… Now im thinking…

"Nako mag ingat ka din miss, mababa ang matres mo, baka mahirapan ka din magka anak." he suddenly added.

Now that’s really too much for me.

I worried a bit about the things he had told me. I worried about the sincerity of the guys im gonna go out with or gonna have a relationship with. Will he be the one who’s true? Will he be the married man? Or will he be one of the 9 who’s not? Will I be able to bear a child in the future if I will get married? Its going to be so funny if i’d be affected, but at that moment I though I was.

I was again interrupted by the driver by asking for my right hand again. I was to refuse when he grabbed it and said…

"Hi ako nga pala si Christian, nice to meet you, and you are?"…. pause…

"Single ka pa diba? Mga katulad mo talagang chubby yung gusto ko. Pag mapapayat nako kahit maghubad sa harapan ko, walang epek sakin"…

Nako isa pa to! Hahahaha! I shaked his hands while i was shaking my head. Impossible!

Good thing I saw Home Depot already. Finally I am here. I looked at the meter, get 200 bucks from my purse opened the door and shut it close.

Im leaving whatever he told me in his cab. Being depressed about my lovelife and be being a barren is the least I want to think about right now.

I then saw Carlo smiling at me. I smiled back. Im just gonna groove tonight….

Friday, March 19, 2010

The arcade date...



Finally I got asked out by this guy ive been eyeing on for a long time already, and it was soooo much fun!
We went on an arcade date which is the first for me. I liked it a lot. I brought out the inner child in me.

I had a blast hitting buttons and playing with the joystick (alright no bastos meaning on that ok? Haha). I had a great time shooting balls and hitting aliens and gunning down some soldiers, well but most of all I enjoyed the little bet we had. :)

A point loss is equals to a kiss or a pinch. He set the rules that every time I lose a game, I would have to kiss him, on the other hand if he losses, I can pinch him. Yeah I did pinch him a couple of times, but I did kiss him most of the time as well. Yeah I pretended to loose so I can score a kiss. Lol. Crazy indeed.

I think I dig the whole fun thing he initiated. I like him. He's cute and all. Well I think he is hot. Sensual, intelligent, charming, sensible. I think I would definitely go out with him again if he asks me to. :)

One to ten, ten would be the higest. Hes an 8.5-9. its fun!

Alright im into him. And the mysterious effect hes emphasizing turns me on.

Come on Cassanova, show me what you’ve got. :)

Sunday, March 7, 2010

WAIT!!! Should i? or should I not?


Patience is a virtue. I say its shit.

I have been practicing the virtue of patience for the longest time that I can ever think of and I would be lying if I say that I have improved in any way possible. Sure I understood things more better and sure I have made some conclusions and formed some ideals about the practice but still I think that being patient leads me into nothing but a change of heart or even disapointment.

Trying my luck in the love department after a silly breakup with a relationship that im not suppose to be in with in the first place was a zipping decision. I thought that it could be the answer , a solution that might have lessen my ordeal of breaking up with the love of my life. Well, I didn’t just jump off the first man that courts me. Ive found someone whom I thought would be the person that might end my heartbreak. But then I was wrong.

It was a test of patience and I know I have failed for letting my feelings be involve in another relationship that fast. I was still coping up, trying to understand why my last relationship didn’t work out (although I know its really not gonna work out)but then I risked everything yet again.

Alright the test of patience is really a tough one and I know in must say that I should have waited a little bit longer before all of these. I didn’t regret it though. Maybe that’s one drill that would help me understand the virtue more.

Now im more comfortable having the time alone and to think. Maybe the saying was right. " pag walang tyaga, walang nilaga". I might be learning the hard way.

I might fancy a lot of guys right now (indeed some are really to fancy about. Haha!), I might think that having some time alone basically would be the right thing for me to do. Yes im loving it. Spending some quality time with my friends and specially myself but at the back of my mind, I still aspire to have someone for me to love…

He asked me to wait for him. As soon as I heard the word WAIT, a flicker of heat burst into my head. Me? Wait? Does he have an idea that it is a word that im dreading? Did it ever cross his mind that I have not enough patience to wait? Say its selfish but I really do hate waiting. It’s a waste of time! And for me time is precious. I could have done more progress with my life than sitting down and waiting for something. I want action. I want results. I want it progressive.

But then why did I say yes? Why did I tell him that im gonna wait for him to fix everything? Why did I tell him that sure im gonna wait? Why did it seem so easy for me to agree to test my patience?

I don’t want to talk about love of feel anything about that. I think that my emotional condition right now has been stable for quite a few weeks and I think that it’s a healthy place and that I should be staying here for quite some time. But why did I say YES?

Not a guaranty for him I know. What if I meet someone? What if that someone turns out to be "the" someone that I really wanted to have? (now im thinking about Cassanova). What if I rushed and jump into this new one again?

Oh boy you have to act fast. When I say fast, I mean VERY fast...

My best weekend of 2010 so far!



Planning this out of town trip took us months, no YEARS to prepare. I know im suppose to be blamed for the delay since im the one who always backs out everytime a trip has been planned.

Two of my ever bestfriends and I took some time off last weekend, exactly a week from today. We decided to go to Subic, one of my favorite places to relax.

It has been one great experience. Being with two of the people that I trust the most is such a delight. No dull moments, and if there are, I guess were just trying to savor the time we are spending.

It has been two, make that three great years since we became close and I must say that every year pass is a blessing with them.

Combined with the greatest atmosphere that I love (that is the summer ambiance) I get to feel relaxed and refreshed. A lot of crazy things has been going on when we were there. Spotting potential marriage partners for Tara, checking out hot bods in the beach for Rey and basically basking over the great scenery for me, it was truly one of the best weekend for me so far.

Coming months will be more winding up with plans for more relaxing weekend like that.

Were booked for April 17th and for sure we are gonna be rockin it again!

Friday, March 5, 2010

The Casanova


I don’t really know if it was the beach vacation I just had, or the impeccable charm that this man have that makes me recently dreamy.

Earlier this afternoon, on my way home, I set some Vivaldi on the background and lazily read some Edgar Allan Poe's. I had again recalled how hasty it was for me to be off to dreamland whenever I think about this guy.

One thing that turns me on is a great conversation. An intellectual one that seemingly impossible to have in a normal setting. Whenever I get involve in this kind of conversation, I would directly consider it as uncommon for I rarely get to talk to anybody in a very arousing intellectual conversation as such.

Few days ago, about a week past, I get to talk to this someone who has the same fixation to music as I do. We chatted about the genres we love, from dub to jazz, to house and techno, from rock to classical. We then discovered our love for Vivaldi and Eric Satie, how we both find it romantic and relaxing at the same time. We hashed out talking about how the Gymnopedie's makes me wanna fly and be free. I find that very sexy!

One time, in the middle of the night, I received an sms from him saying odd statements like he thinks were soulmates. That we he somehow feels a connection between us, that maybe we were lovers in our past lives, maybe two horny love birds that were inseparable. He then created this vision of us together in a white sand beach, with candles, champagne and caviar, making love until the break of dawn. I find that sexy and romantic...

I am not in the mood to fall in love nor talk about romance these days. I find this solitary confinement a bit joyful. :) but then again, I wont deny that thinking about him with all those sweet sweet thoughts makes me feel elated at my lone times.

A vision of a sunny Saturday morning always pops up into my mind whenever I think of him. Us, together, talking about the dreamy settings we both want to have , just being together listening to music. We would kiss and touch each other passionately. We would be spending the whole morning driving towards the nearest beach for a short weekend getaway. I would play some soft music as he drives. We would look at each others eyes and feel the burning passion channeling between us. We would then spend the whole afternoon idly sitting at the beach front, getting a tan, feeling the scorching summer breeze, staring at the clear blue skies, still saying nothing, talking about nothing, but just feeling. As the night approaches, we would sit still, glaring upon the bright moon and star filled sky, of course Vivaldi's four seasons (summer) is playing. We would then make love the whole night, passionately feeling every inch or our skin. Feeling every breath we make as we move closer together. The kisses were burning with passion. The sensation is overwhelming as if every molecules in our bodies are reacting to our love making. We would then end the night, as we welcome the sunrise happy, fulfilled and contented.

In that scene though, love isnt much the theme. I don’t know, its like I wanted that thought to remain as is. There's no "what will happen the next day?" or "what about our wedding day?". That imaginary scene will be just like that. That's a scene that I would gladly visualize over and over and over again without worrying what's next.

Same thing with this man. Although he is a real person, I would love to consider him as a fragment of my imagery. I wanted him to stay in that place, not being concrete, not coming to life. Because if that happens, I am certain that all these fantasy will disperse into thin air.

I would gladly entertain him in my mind. I will gladly create more dreamy scenes for the both of us. But I have to make sure that it will stay here, in the little corner of my psyche. Never allowing it to be existent...

My cassanova pasta... :)



I love things light and simple. The loves poems ive been reading on LRT earlier this afternoon and the Vivaldi music inspired me to cook a simple pasta dish thats light and delish!

I was thinking about my Cassanova (later on I will write something about him) while I was cooking the dish. I've thought about romance and being soulmates and feeling exceptionally good. This is what the dish is all about...

Cassanova Pasta:

Things you need:
1 clove garlic
1 head onion
2 med size red tomato
1 can tuna
olive oil for sauteeing
1/4 k spaghetti
italian seasoning
grated cheese

How to cook:
1. Slice the garllic, onion and tomato.
2. Cook the pasta per package instruction.
3. sautee garlic, onion and tomato.
4 Add the tuna.
5. Add the cooked pasta
6. season with salt and pepper and italian seasoning.
7. add grated cheese

Viola!!! Simple yet deliciously captivating pasta dish!!! Hehehe.

I miss cooking.

And I guess Cassanova is as delectable as this is. :D

Enjoy!!!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Emotional abuse that we personally cause…

I know that I have learned a lot of lessons from my past relationships. Those heartbreaks leads me not into nothing but into something. Now I know how to have my guard up and I know how to control my emotions.

I have been wanting to fall in love again. I wanted to finally experience a love that is true and the love that is mine. I am in a situation wherein I have been aspiring to feel this emotions. I wanted to give this special someone my love, and I badly wanted to fall in love with him. The thing is, I CANT.

I cant because he gives me a lot of reason not to fully be in love with him. He gives me things to think about, things to doubt about, things to reflect about. Its saddens me but at the same time it made me proud of myself. At least now I know how to have everything under my control.

I have grown so much from all the heartaches I have had. I had learned to take care of my emotions. Just a few moments ago I have pondered about not being abusive to my emotions.

If I let myself fall in love too much with this person, and obviously right at this moment , I know and I do have an idea that he is not really serious with me, it would basically mean im abusing my emotions. I have to treat my feelings with care and respect so as not to be hurt that much. I have an idea on what is going to happen if I continue letting myself fall in love with someone not even close to the person I am aspiring to be with for the rest of my life. I know it would be an abuse if I let myself hope for something unreachable. I know hat this person is only playing with my heart, and so why would I still be in contact? It is worthless to be wasting time with someone not even daring to give you a bit of his time.

I have to take care of my emotions, making sure that I still have respect for myself and for the person (if ever there is really someone to come my way) who will really love me. I have to atleast spare something for that worthy person and not give everything for someone I am aware not giving a damn to me.

It is wise to do that so I wont have to situate hatred or angst inside my heart. Its is wise not to do that for me to stay positive and happy.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Already gone... :(

I have always been fearful in making myself realize that he is out of my life. I would always still think that he would come back to me, tell me he loves me and that he cannot live without me. I still would pray that he would talk to me still and tell me that he will stay with me. I guess gone are those days. For I know that there is nothing left for us to have. No love, no affection, no care, no nothing.

It kills me to think that it is over but I know it is definitely over. I have to move on and start anew without him beside me. I have got to re arrange my life and not include him in it. I guess I have to plan my future without him , see myself moving on without him.

I wanted not to cry anymore. I wanted not to think about us anymore. I wanted to be free from pain that I get from him. But I want him to stay, to be with me for the rest of my life. I guess we really cant have what we really want.

To start off the year, I will try my best not to be consumed by this relationship anymore. I wanted to have a life wherein I can be truly happy and at peace.

A friend of mine read my twits and realized I was a devastation and so she sent me a song to listen to. Ouch, that hurts. :(

It is over. :(

http://www.metrolyrics.com/already-gone-lyrics-kelly-clarkson.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ4fkyX_Fs0