Sunday, December 6, 2009

Dreams

Weeks have passed and I thought I was doing fine after he left me. I thought I was ok, well it felt ok anyway. I got busy doing many stuff for my business. Ive been drowning myself with a lot of activities with my friends and with work. But an incident that I hardly ever wanted to happen just did.

Last night was the first conversation me and my ex had after we broke up. Thing is, it was just in my dreams. It felt surreal talking to him. If felt like the conversation occurred on s certain time after he left me. The emotions and the things I would say to him if in case I would talk to him after the breakup is the same words and emotions I felt and uttered in my dreams. I hugged him and called him "beb" there. But same thing goes. He was the one who said goodbye, the one who turned me down, and the one who left me.

I used to believe that dreaming about someone has a mystical meaning. I used to think that orphiclly, dreams could mean that the person you have dreamt about is thinking of you, or it’s the total opposite of what you are going to experience in your waking life. I have been studying things about dreams for the past couple of months (because of being so much of a Freudian). I have learned from Sigmund Freuds books that we dream about someone or something that we havent been thinking about recently. Maybe that’s the reason why I have dreamed about him last night. I havent been thinking about him lately…

I used to like sleeping a lot. For my waking hours are giving me full attention on probably the biggest heartache bi have ever felt in my life. Now, im scared to sleep. I don’t want to dream of him again. Dreams simply touch something emotional in me. Dreams, for me means my deepest desires and my hidden emotions. Waking up after that dream means I have unraveled the things I have dug deep into the realm of my unconscious.

I am ok, I think that I am. Or I am trying to be. Everyday is still a struggle though. All the things reminds me of him. But these are the moments wherein I cant do anything but to try to accept that he is already gone and that he had left me. I have to fight for my own happiness and that without learning to accept that he is gone is never gonna help me in moving on.

I thank him for visiting me in my dreams. For the last time, I have felt his touch. I have hugged him, and kissed him, and made him feel that I still wanted him in my life. I am still in love with him. I think in time it will fade. But I know that I will always love him because he is already part of my life.

I wish I could visit him in his dreams as well. Tell him what I wanted to tell him after he left. Things that I wanted to tell him and things that I have been keeping for a long time. I wanted to thank him for the wonderful things he had left me. The memories we had when we were together. The lessons that he had taught me. Emotions that he had made me feel. Love that he gave me. And love that I gave him.

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