Monday, May 18, 2009

Green Eyed Monster

This afternoon, on my way home, I received a phone call from my tabloid friend, na itago na lang natin sa pangalang Dixie. She was crying, like a 4 year old na inagawan ng laruan. Tumataghoy, hindi makahinga sa kakaiyak. I wondered why and when she uttered her bf's name, I knew right away that it was about him.

"Hindi nya na ko kinakausap nung isang linggo pa. Tapos malalaman ko na lang nagkabalikan na sila ni Helen (the ex gf)" she mouthed. Putul putol pa, ang hirap intindihin.

I took some time to stop and talked to her while I was strolling down the road. I comforted her telling her to calm down. Anu nga ba namang masasabi ko? I don’t even know what really happened, what's the stand between his bf and his ex, or if she fought with him or what. Searching for the right advice that will come out of my head, I just promised to call her as soon as I get home and think of a possible solution for her problem.

I met my best friend from Sydney after that. I was in heaven seeing this guy. I miss him so much and seeing him is a relief. Wala naman akong problem that needs to be consoled but then again being with a person who you can open up everything to is an abundant experience. Lalo na nung binuksan nya trunk ng sasakyan nya full of things for me. (particuilarly loved the organic potato chips that he would always bring me pag umuuwi sya dito sa Pilipinas, hehe love you Stephano)

While he was driving and while he was telling me about the things that he needs to accomplish in his stay here in Manila, things that Dixie told me came flashing by. Then I thought about my relationship.

Jealousy would kill me. Indeed it will. Kanina lang umaga after some of the classes I handled, going back to my table and checking these petty things on Facebook, ive seen something about my bf's ex. Haha. I know it sounds so immature of me, but yes, I am very very jealous about her. That didn't stop me from thinking of the "what if's"

Now you tell what are those what-if's. Siguro naman lahat tayo nakakapag isip ng mga what if situations when we ran across the things in our past. I am a jealous bitch, I admit that, and as much as I wanted to stop being like that, hindi ko pa din mapigilan ang sarili kong wag mag selos.

I am insecure. I always feared to be left by people that I love. I don’t want to feel, yet again the emotions I have felt before. As much as I wanted to, I don’t want to suffer the atrocious adversities I had with my previous relationships. I thought that was enough. Masyado nang masakit yung dati. Ayoko na ulit.

Two months, and everything is going on smoothly. But I wouldn’t know when this would end. Will it end in the middle of everything prissy in our relationship? Hindi ko alam diba? Kasi from the very begining wala naman talagang kasiguraduhan if this is a happily ever after or not.

My thoughts went back to Dixie as Stephen keeps on talking about his trip here. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, anu nga bang sasabihin ko kay Dixie pag uwi ng bahay? Will I tell her to talk to her bf personally and then call it quits herself kasi hindi naman pwedeng may kahati sya? Or should I tell her that there is no point crying if the situation she is right now is on that stage? Wala na kasi eh. Anu pa nga bang dapat gawin? Her bf went back to his ex gf. Anu pa iisipin natin to bail her out of her misery? Wala na. Kasi ayaw na sa kanya ng bf nya.

Then, my principles about jealousy and breaking up came scudding.

We are jealous because we are insecure. We are lacking in security and safety. What does this mean? Kulang tayo sa confidence about our partners or even about ourselves.

When it comes to breaking up? If things are not working anymore, then why bother? I’m not saying don’t give it a try to work things out, of course that would be the first impulse if you really love the person you have a relationship with. Pero naman pag dumating sa point na iiwanan ka na, or sasabihin na ng partner mo sayo na tama na and he/she loves someone new, or he/she is still inlove with his/her ex bf/gf, then come on! Wag mo ng ipilit ang sarili mo! Theres no point in doing that anymore. Don’t force yourself into someone that is pushing you away. You will never be happy. Basically, your head on for a collision later in your relationship that would greatly cause you damage. So, stop. End it.

What would I tell Dixie? Well, I'll tell her everything on my mind. I will tell her every bit of principle I have about jealousy and breaking up. But in the end, I would ask her to look deep into her emotions and decide if her relationship with her bf is worth fighting for. Sya rin naman din lahat may sagot sa mga tanong nya.

As for me? My man assured me this morning that everything in the past is in the past. I believed him. well, I choose to believe him. Then again, I have believed in my instinct ever since. I know when something fishy is going on, I know when I am being played on, I putatively know if I’m in my comfort zone or not. Well, so be it if that’s the case. Again I’m going back to my precepts and everything will be fine for me.

Thing is, relationships aren't perfect. Time and time again we will be faced with situation that would bring us back to the level in where we are not bound for comfort. Maybe this is one of those times...

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