Saturday, May 30, 2009

I am a catholic girl... :)

I was raised a strict catholic. I studied gradeschool and highschool in a private school run by dominican nuns, then I studied college in a catholic university. I memorized the mysteries of the holy rosary, attended mass not just on Sundays but all days of the week if possible. Monday for St Joseph in Anonas, Tuesday for St. Anthony of Padua in Bustillos, Wednesday for the Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Redemptorist church in Baclaran. Thursday for St. Jude Thadeus in Malacanang, then for Friday, Black Nazarene in Quiapo. I have somewhat memorized all the novenas for each saints. I have studied the doctrines of the church, I have attended catechisms and joined various prayer meetings on my early years. I was raised a good catholic.

I value my religion. I have an understanding about the Holy Trinity, Mother Mary and invoking of the Holy Spirit. I knew about the difference of mortal and venial sins, how to ask for forgiveness and how to be forgiven by confessing. I know many things for sure, and I am proud to say that the foundation that I have is on an absolute high as a catholic.

As numbers in my age increase, as people I know started to vary, as relationships I have differ from one person to the other, as I am being exposed to different kinds of principles, as I open my eyes on what things are happening around, as I mold my own thoughts and rationales about my decisions, I came to agnize my own sentiment. I have recrudesced my own views about the good and the bad.

Go to mass every Sunday. Don’t curse! Don’t lie! Never watch porn! Never have premarital sex! Homosexuality is a sin! Sly away from immorality! Etc etc etc… these are the things we are all taught to so and not to do, or not to have, or even not to think about. Hhmmm.

I am expected to be virginal. To be prim and proper. To be naïve about iniquity. But everything about it is around me, and I have been taught by these things some important lessons in life. My views about certain immoral things are admittedly indeed immoral, that is in the point of view of a close catholic. If we simply follow the church's teachings, we should know, well, I should know. I am not going to have it in detail coz CBCP might call my attention if I do so. Hahaha!

The thing is, doing good results positive outcome, doing bad in the other hand results into negative outcome. As long as you are doing the right thing, you are prepared for the consequences that it may have cause, then you are just going to be fine.

I have been reading a book entitled 50 Self Help Classics written by Tom-Butler Bowdom. In this book, he listed 50 of the best self help books that you can use as a guide. One of the books that he had included is the Bible, which is said to be the best selling book of all time. Indeed it is true that the book itself and the gospels will give a lot of wisdom to the reader. Weather you are a catholic, a muslim, or an atheist, as long as the stories in the book inspires you and you get knowledge from it then it must be something that will serve as your guide to your principles in life.

I haven't stopped attending the holy mass, I haven't stopped praying as well. Everyday I pray for guidance and for strength. But there are certain things that I don’t agree with anymore in the teachings and principles of the catholic church.

I am a thinker and I would like to see myself as a fair judge. Not because I am catholic does it mean that I don’t respect other peoples precepts about their own religion. I might not have been practicing what I used to practice before as a catholic, but I can definitely say that my faith still binds me with my God. I am happy that I still believe that there is a higher being taking control of my life. I find strenght in Him whenever I have nothing to draw strenght from. I think I am doing good so far. I hope I am doing good. Sunblock wont help at all in hell. Haha.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Cheat Sheet

Just recently, A person who is most endeared by a friend of mine passed away. This person is one those people who I look up to. I never met her, (though I was honored to have seen her later only in a lamentable state, that is inside her last place on earth, her deathbox)
Just like the great Sigmund Freud, or Jane Austen, Shirley Didi Grego is one of the person who’s words made markings in my memory. Her daughter, Tara, that I considered one of the truest friends tells me great tales about her mother. I console in her words through her daughter. Things that she has been telling her made so much impact in my precepts in life, especially in my relationships. One of the assertions that she made, which had made a mark in my memory is a principle about cheating.

“Maganda ka man, o pangit, sexy o mataba, mayaman o mahirap, basta lolokohin ka, lolokohin ka talaga.”

I mused on that idea. True enough. I have known people who are almost perfect, rich, young, beautiful, successful, and yet they are still being cheated on by their mates. I’ve know people who are old and weary, found a suppose real love and yet still being left on. I have heard stories about cheating with their neighbors, specially those living in slums, that despite of poverty and because of the grace of lust still commit such offense. Everyday, everywhere, we all can hear stories about cheating.

Once when I was in my early teens, I have already pondered on this. I remember falling in love with a playboy. We never had a relationship but the thought of him being mine is desired deeply. But the fact that I have been seeing him with many women, flirting and messing around was a great pain. I have thought of my father, in his younger years when he had left my mother desquieted by not going home early only to be found in a beerhouse , coquetting with some young women. These had constructed my conclusion that men are generally polygamous. But, at the end of the day, as what my father did, he want back to the arms of my loving mother. I had thought about my boy at that time, if he really likes me, or if it is us who are really meant for each other, then all these girls are nothing to him, in the end, he will love me, and only me. (awa ng Dyos, marami pa rin syang babae hanggang ngayon. Haha)

There’s much more in the situation where cheating is involved. We have got to look at the roots of the problem. In marriage, primarily its dissatisfaction, emotionally, financially and most especially sexually. For young ones, maybe it’s the thirst for adventure or for fun. For the rest particularly for the boys, it’s the machismo that plays a big role in their attitude towards cheating. Having more than one relationship is an indication of manhood, and that’s what’s pushing them in chicaning their mates.

For me, cheating in any scale is inevitable in a relationship. Once, or twice, you will find your partner, or yourself cheating. It is hard to control such situations. People most of the time would tell the alibi “ tao lang naman ako, nagkakasala din”. For me? That’s definitely not an excuse. Flirting occasionally is ok, but not to the point of cheating. It is painful. It takes a lot of effort to have the wounds of cheating be healed, and the scars would stay there forever.
I have always put in mind what Mrs. Grego said. Thinking about it, I knew that we should not act so comfortable in our relationships, even if everything is going on smoothly. Negativity still persist in my opinion now, but I know that everyone would not be in their comfort zones as long as there are chances of cheating.

Bear trust. Maybe that’s all we need to make anything work.

- For the loving memory of Mrs. Shirley Didi Grego. Thank you for the words of wisdom…

Monday, May 18, 2009

Green Eyed Monster

This afternoon, on my way home, I received a phone call from my tabloid friend, na itago na lang natin sa pangalang Dixie. She was crying, like a 4 year old na inagawan ng laruan. Tumataghoy, hindi makahinga sa kakaiyak. I wondered why and when she uttered her bf's name, I knew right away that it was about him.

"Hindi nya na ko kinakausap nung isang linggo pa. Tapos malalaman ko na lang nagkabalikan na sila ni Helen (the ex gf)" she mouthed. Putul putol pa, ang hirap intindihin.

I took some time to stop and talked to her while I was strolling down the road. I comforted her telling her to calm down. Anu nga ba namang masasabi ko? I don’t even know what really happened, what's the stand between his bf and his ex, or if she fought with him or what. Searching for the right advice that will come out of my head, I just promised to call her as soon as I get home and think of a possible solution for her problem.

I met my best friend from Sydney after that. I was in heaven seeing this guy. I miss him so much and seeing him is a relief. Wala naman akong problem that needs to be consoled but then again being with a person who you can open up everything to is an abundant experience. Lalo na nung binuksan nya trunk ng sasakyan nya full of things for me. (particuilarly loved the organic potato chips that he would always bring me pag umuuwi sya dito sa Pilipinas, hehe love you Stephano)

While he was driving and while he was telling me about the things that he needs to accomplish in his stay here in Manila, things that Dixie told me came flashing by. Then I thought about my relationship.

Jealousy would kill me. Indeed it will. Kanina lang umaga after some of the classes I handled, going back to my table and checking these petty things on Facebook, ive seen something about my bf's ex. Haha. I know it sounds so immature of me, but yes, I am very very jealous about her. That didn't stop me from thinking of the "what if's"

Now you tell what are those what-if's. Siguro naman lahat tayo nakakapag isip ng mga what if situations when we ran across the things in our past. I am a jealous bitch, I admit that, and as much as I wanted to stop being like that, hindi ko pa din mapigilan ang sarili kong wag mag selos.

I am insecure. I always feared to be left by people that I love. I don’t want to feel, yet again the emotions I have felt before. As much as I wanted to, I don’t want to suffer the atrocious adversities I had with my previous relationships. I thought that was enough. Masyado nang masakit yung dati. Ayoko na ulit.

Two months, and everything is going on smoothly. But I wouldn’t know when this would end. Will it end in the middle of everything prissy in our relationship? Hindi ko alam diba? Kasi from the very begining wala naman talagang kasiguraduhan if this is a happily ever after or not.

My thoughts went back to Dixie as Stephen keeps on talking about his trip here. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, anu nga bang sasabihin ko kay Dixie pag uwi ng bahay? Will I tell her to talk to her bf personally and then call it quits herself kasi hindi naman pwedeng may kahati sya? Or should I tell her that there is no point crying if the situation she is right now is on that stage? Wala na kasi eh. Anu pa nga bang dapat gawin? Her bf went back to his ex gf. Anu pa iisipin natin to bail her out of her misery? Wala na. Kasi ayaw na sa kanya ng bf nya.

Then, my principles about jealousy and breaking up came scudding.

We are jealous because we are insecure. We are lacking in security and safety. What does this mean? Kulang tayo sa confidence about our partners or even about ourselves.

When it comes to breaking up? If things are not working anymore, then why bother? I’m not saying don’t give it a try to work things out, of course that would be the first impulse if you really love the person you have a relationship with. Pero naman pag dumating sa point na iiwanan ka na, or sasabihin na ng partner mo sayo na tama na and he/she loves someone new, or he/she is still inlove with his/her ex bf/gf, then come on! Wag mo ng ipilit ang sarili mo! Theres no point in doing that anymore. Don’t force yourself into someone that is pushing you away. You will never be happy. Basically, your head on for a collision later in your relationship that would greatly cause you damage. So, stop. End it.

What would I tell Dixie? Well, I'll tell her everything on my mind. I will tell her every bit of principle I have about jealousy and breaking up. But in the end, I would ask her to look deep into her emotions and decide if her relationship with her bf is worth fighting for. Sya rin naman din lahat may sagot sa mga tanong nya.

As for me? My man assured me this morning that everything in the past is in the past. I believed him. well, I choose to believe him. Then again, I have believed in my instinct ever since. I know when something fishy is going on, I know when I am being played on, I putatively know if I’m in my comfort zone or not. Well, so be it if that’s the case. Again I’m going back to my precepts and everything will be fine for me.

Thing is, relationships aren't perfect. Time and time again we will be faced with situation that would bring us back to the level in where we are not bound for comfort. Maybe this is one of those times...