Sunday, December 6, 2009


Weeks have passed and I thought I was doing fine after he left me. I thought I was ok, well it felt ok anyway. I got busy doing many stuff for my business. Ive been drowning myself with a lot of activities with my friends and with work. But an incident that I hardly ever wanted to happen just did.

Last night was the first conversation me and my ex had after we broke up. Thing is, it was just in my dreams. It felt surreal talking to him. If felt like the conversation occurred on s certain time after he left me. The emotions and the things I would say to him if in case I would talk to him after the breakup is the same words and emotions I felt and uttered in my dreams. I hugged him and called him "beb" there. But same thing goes. He was the one who said goodbye, the one who turned me down, and the one who left me.

I used to believe that dreaming about someone has a mystical meaning. I used to think that orphiclly, dreams could mean that the person you have dreamt about is thinking of you, or it’s the total opposite of what you are going to experience in your waking life. I have been studying things about dreams for the past couple of months (because of being so much of a Freudian). I have learned from Sigmund Freuds books that we dream about someone or something that we havent been thinking about recently. Maybe that’s the reason why I have dreamed about him last night. I havent been thinking about him lately…

I used to like sleeping a lot. For my waking hours are giving me full attention on probably the biggest heartache bi have ever felt in my life. Now, im scared to sleep. I don’t want to dream of him again. Dreams simply touch something emotional in me. Dreams, for me means my deepest desires and my hidden emotions. Waking up after that dream means I have unraveled the things I have dug deep into the realm of my unconscious.

I am ok, I think that I am. Or I am trying to be. Everyday is still a struggle though. All the things reminds me of him. But these are the moments wherein I cant do anything but to try to accept that he is already gone and that he had left me. I have to fight for my own happiness and that without learning to accept that he is gone is never gonna help me in moving on.

I thank him for visiting me in my dreams. For the last time, I have felt his touch. I have hugged him, and kissed him, and made him feel that I still wanted him in my life. I am still in love with him. I think in time it will fade. But I know that I will always love him because he is already part of my life.

I wish I could visit him in his dreams as well. Tell him what I wanted to tell him after he left. Things that I wanted to tell him and things that I have been keeping for a long time. I wanted to thank him for the wonderful things he had left me. The memories we had when we were together. The lessons that he had taught me. Emotions that he had made me feel. Love that he gave me. And love that I gave him.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Happy birthday Yobo!

Dearest Yobo,

Happy birthday! I hope that you will be happy not just today but for the rest of the days of your life. I know that right now, you are contented and happy with what you have and I am happy for you as well.

I wish to celebrate your birthday with you though, but since you have made a choice not to include me in your life anymore, im just going to wish for you from afar.

I love you, and I will always love you till the end. The promise that I made to you is being kept. That I will love you forever.

I am missing you. Badly I think I would die. Without you, my life feels so empty and worthless. Without you it feels like something in my life is missing. I miss the times that we are together. Times when we share a good laugh, times when we eat good food, times that we celebrate life and how much fun it is to live, times when we endlessly plan what to watch in the movies next, times when we laugh making "asar" to each other. I miss the usual days we have, the messages we both send each other, the way you greet me Good morning which always makes my day. The way you ask me about my feelings, the way you ask me whats wrong, the way you care for me if I am sick. I miss the times when we both share our hurts in life. I miss the times when we share our sentiments. I miss the times when we see ourselves together even if we grow old. I miss cute little Elle and Floyd. i think about them as much as I think of you. I miss the times when I plan a future for us. I know I should have not even bother but I cant help it because I know that it would make me happy. For some time I wish that it would make you happy too.

I totally understand why you left me. I totally understand why you told me we needed space. I am sorry if I am not enough for you. I am sorry if I was not able to make you happy and contented with our relationship. I dont blame you for you have everything and you feel like I am not so important in your life since you've got it all. I am sorry for making your life not as happy as I wanted it to be. You, leaving me is an indication that I have failed. I am sorry.

I dont really know why you shut me off your life. You left me with no trace of you as you leave. You left me without notice. It hurts a lot.Most of the time, I think that you have never loved me at all and that with the actions that you did, you never really cared about my feelings. But I still believe that somehow, the reason why you left me without warning is that you do love me that much. I am trying my best to convince myself that the reason why you left me is for my own good. The reason why you choose not to be in my life anymore is for me to have a better life without you. And with that I thank you. It only shows how much you love me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you very much.

On your birthday, supposedly, it will be our 1 year and 4 months anniversarry. Its nice to think that we have shared one good year together. Sad part is that we cannot continue being together to make more memories. But those times were enough for me to learn the things that you taught me.

Thank you for teaching me how to love. Thank you for making me learn how to love unconditionally. Thank you for making me a better person. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank yoiu for teaching me things that I will never learn from other people. Thank you for welcoming me into your life. And thank you too for letting me go.

Happy birthday Yobo! I want you to be happy. I pray that you will fully be happy with Elle and Floyd. I hope that you will be happy with your lovelife as well. I dont really know what to wish for in that, but I pray that you will find someone that you will share a good life with. Someone that will love you as much I love you, and I hope that this time you will love that person as much as I wanted you to love me back.

Goodbye Mahal ko. This is very hard but I will give your freedom. Because you wished to have it, and because you deserve to have it.


Melo :)

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Betty Boop for Halloween!!! :D

Last week, me and my co workers decide to break off the boring atmosphere we have in the office. And so as timely as it is, we planned to have a costume party. It was actually a bit hard to think of what to be on that day. I never wanted to spend a penny for the costume and so I opted to dig in my "aparador" and look for something interesting for my halloween costume. I found a red dress and viola! Betty Boop is what I had in mind.

I wanted to make it more interesting and not just be a girl in a red dress. I have got to be as comical as how betty boop looked in the cartoons. I tried to search for a wig that will give me the look of her widows peak hair but its kinda hard here in Manila to find one. And if ever I do, I bet it would cost me some amount buying from specialty stores. Good thing I found something on youtube that helped me in making the betty boop look possible. I found quite a few make up tutorial for the betty boop look but I have decided to imitate one because its simply for halloween. :D

My hair is short so I just had it curled since im going to put on some face paint for her signature widows peak. I bought pencil face paint in National bookstore ( and you guys can buy it in any stationary and bookstore around).

I am a bit unsure about Betty's dress. As far as I can remember, she does wear a red sweetheart dress. But I made some research and found out that she wears anything sexy and fun, and so I decided to stick with my old red dress and focus more on my make up. To finish the whole Betty Boop look, I bought a gold loop earring to wear. I also had my fishnets and red shoes and im off to as Betty boop! :)

It was indeed one fun halloween! One of the most fun I've had in years.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Watching movies makes me reflect on the things that I have. I'm sure most of us are alike when I say we tend to compare the movies plot with our's. One of the teacher's I handle, Carol, was just talking about it last Friday. Recalling her faves such as Got to believe and One more chance, she fervidly stressed that after watching those, she felt like she wished her love life is as colorful as that what she have seen. It was funny for I somehow felt the same thing.

This afternoon, out of boredom, I grabbed some dvd's and started picking nice movies to burn my time. First on the list was The Proposal. Story was nice, although a little short on making me convinced they fell in love that easy, in a span of 3 or 4 days. It flew me into cupid's dreamland where love is real and where true love exist. I then thought of my own story presently. When will I ever find that movie-ish love story ending?

To be honest, my love story is way too interesting for Maalala mo kaya. People close to me knows this very well and I can say if I am a scriptwriter, i'll definitely get a grand slam. Bad thing is, my story is'nt a happy ending. Well, i know not all love story has a happy ever after ending.

Thinking the last movie was too mainstream and did disapoint me a bit, I decided to switch to indie this time. Then I found 100.

I cried the whole time I was watching it. I was wondering, Was the movie made for me? Haha. Its me! From the reason why she would die (could probably the same reason as why I would die), her relationships, her state in life, her views, her emotions, her plans. I was not as strong as the main character though. she faced her death with much bravado. she arranged her death as if she's arranging an event. If it was me, im sure I would cry all the time if I found out that i've only got a few months left to live. It gave me an idea though on how I would spend the last few days of my life.

Doing things that I havent done like spending my time with my best friend, skinny dipping, getting so high and so drunk, traveling, eating the "bawal" foods (haha), make love then break up with the love of my life, getting a beauty overhaul, being together with my whole family, and getting all the things done. I was hoping I would have enough time to make my death coiffed. It is better that way I guess.

It made me ruminate. I thought about the life that I am living and how I should live it. Am i living it right? Am I doing the right things? Should I be restarting my life. Whew, I know I need to. But restarting would not be an easy task.

Then I have decided to make a bucket list of the things that I badly wanted to do. It's for me to be "bolder" and "freer" in my decisions in life.

Starting now, I will live my life to the fullest. Do things that I want to do. I'll go back to school, hone my skills, be good at something. I will love with all my heart. I will have fun, I will laugh, I will be happy.

About my happily ever after? I guess my life would'nt end soon, i must have more time to find a great way to end my story.

Next up. My bucketlist. :D

Monday, September 21, 2009

Best Eastern Hotel: the best way to end my stay in Borongan. :)

In a short time of my stay in Borongan, I took some time in checking out some places to stay. I found a few good places around town. The city of Borongan is just small and so you can go around town within the day.

We cap off our short vacation by staying at Best Eastern Hotel located in the town of Lalawigan, about 7 kilometers away from downtown. One can take a tricycle which cost around 60 pesos per trip. It’s actually pretty easy to get a tryc that will take you to Lalawigan anytime of the day.

We were welcomed by their friendly staff and made sure that our every needs are taken cared of. People of Borongan really knows the art of hospitality. It feels like we were visitors of their home instead of hotel guest.

Best Easter Hotel is actually a motel type of establishment which is very much suitable since it is located along the National highway. Motorist can rest and relax after a long trip.

We stayed at one of the rooms which cost around 1,300 php a night. All rooms are airconditioned and provided with hot water baths, cabled tv and personal ref. Beds are pretty comfortable too. It was indeed clean and comfy. Since the hotel is a bit far from the downtown food establishment, they also provide yummy meals that is fit for every budget.

If privacy is your priority then this place will suit you the best. It is quiet and cozy unlike most of the hotels and inns found downtown. The beach looks exceptional early in the morning where you can take a dip and watch the sunrise. Indeed one of the best places I have stayed in my visit in Borongan.

Friday, July 17, 2009

of uncertainties and hurt...

Its not because i think he is cheating. He has been cheating eversince, maybe not on me, but with me. Its not a question if he is a cheater or not because the answer is definitely yes. Its not because I have been feeling and sensing some emotions that I dont like and that I am afraid that what I feel is what it is. It is because he wont be able to give me what I needed in a relationship. It is because I cannot plan my future with him because theres definitely nothing for us in hand and that he never even tries to plan something that includes me. It is because I am too sensitive for his insensitivity. Is it because he does not have enough time for me, time that I wanted and time that is convenient for me, not always for him. It is because I wanted more and I deserve more. It is because I am not happy, and I am just trying to be happy for the sake of being happy. It is because I want something that is solely mine. I am tired but not tired enough to let go. I wish to be finally exhausted. For me to finally give up. I wanted to let this go without bearing any pain. I want this to end without feeling uncertain that it could have worked out if i stayed. I want this to be easy. I hope it would be. I wish it would be.

Monday, July 6, 2009

This Crappy Thing called LOVE

I have never really thought about being with someone to share my lfe with. I am very much at ease with my life alone, as a single person. I can only think about myself and not worry about other people. For me, my life is just me, myself and I.

Being cheesy is not my thing either. I hate watching anything romantic. I hate reading novels that talks about love and how amazing it is. I hate to listen to songs of undying love and devotion. I think that its overrated. I think that its too mainstream, and Lord knows how I despise anything mainstream.

Then I met someone who I liked very much., and I do think that I like him very very much. He is all I think of. Am I inlove? Maybe not. Maybe yes.

I had experienced waking up seeing his face first thing. It felt so good seeing him before I close my eyes to sleep and seeing him as well first thing in the morning. He is all I ever wanted.

I badly wanted to tell him how much I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.That I would sacrifice everything and would endure anything just for us to be together. But how can I do that if its impossible?

Does he love me the way I love him? Did he felt the same hapiness as I did when we were together? Does he yearn for me if im not around?

Is he with me because he cannot live without me? Or is he with me because he is just having fun? Is he with me because he needs me? Is he with me because he just simply love me?

When will I know the answers? Do I look like a fool? I sure do.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

When is the right time to ask for some sweetness from your bf?

Alright, I know that I shouldn’t be very demanding nor very melodramatic about my relationship. Well my relationship isn't really the conventional one unlike everybody else in this world might be having. It is indeed difficult to set rules or certain standards on something that is non specificable in the precepts of what a relationship is. The demands for quality time, or sweetness, or companionship on certain events with the family and with friends. These are some of the things that I particularly have in mind when you are in a said normal relationship. It is fulfilled if you are in that kind of normalness, but in my kind of peculiarity in my own relationship, indeed these things will sound as if they are demands.

I have been believing the principle of the law of attraction. I have just been patiently waiting for the universe to align itself and to make things work for me and for the things that I like without any force. But sometimes I am thinking about the things that I ought to be receiving and the things that I am suppose to be asking for. I don’t want to ask anything for I wanted everything to be given to me wholeheartedly.

It is true also that one should not be comparing the things that he/she is having from other people. Individualism is what's going on with these instance. What I am having is very different in many different ways from other people. My emotions and my inclinations are definitely different from their own, thus I am not suppose to ask for things that they are having because it may not be as pleasing for me as it was for them.

But sometimes, time comes when I wonder if I am suppose to be as lenient as I am right now in terms of asking my partner for I know is "petty" for him. There are certain factors that triggered my unwillingness to ask in becoming an arising curiosity. Comparison is one, being unhappy is the second.

If someone asks me if I am unhappy, well in fairness to my partner, I would say that I am not. I am happy when I am with him, I am happy with the thought that I am in love, I am happy with the thought that I could plan a future that includes him, I am happy simply saying that I think he does love me. But sometimes these statements leads me to thinking the other way around. What happens when I am not with him anymore, when we go home after seeing each other? Am I going to stay in love with him for a long time? Am I still going to plan my future with him when in fact I am uncertain if he does plan his future that includes me? These are unsealed things which makes it a little difficult for me to digest.

I am not getting any younger, and admittedly I haven't had a stable relationship. Maybe I am yearning for one that’s why I am feeling this certain incertitude such as this one.

So when is the right time for me to ask some sweetness from my partner? Or will i? am I suppose to ask? Or that’s already out of the question since this is one unconventional relationship I am having?

Am I hoping for this to be read by him and for him to make a move about this? Or am I hoping for him not to read this and instead realizing my needs?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

hitback (90's) im so nostalgic!!!

I had a dose of nostalgia today. I then remebered the 90's. Oh the good old 90's

It was the era when MTV is hot and the boybands were gods. It was the time when I was young and happy and i have very simple dreams. Thats the time when life was less complicated, that was when all i think about is how to pass the exams, to go to a good school in college. It was simple, and today I remember everything I felt that time. The "kilig" felt from seeing the highschool crush, the things me and my barkada were talking about, i smell once again the cologne i was using that time. Hay, what a nice time in my life...

Then the BOYBANDS flashing through my memories along with those thoughts. Everything 90's was POP! I so love the silly boyband dance moves.Im so into the whole swimming pool thing where they wear white shirts and they look oh so hot in their thin boy next door physique. I so love it when they sing in the rain, the way they point their fingers towards the camera as if they were singing to you, looking into your eyes. *sigh*

Ooops, time for a meeting now. Back to reality once again. But damn it felt good! Enjoy!!!

1. is there someone out there - code red

2. can we talk - code red

3. say it once - ULTRA

4. all i have to give - BSB

5. tearin up my heart - n sync

Saturday, June 6, 2009

My wedding day..

I have been preparing weddings. Coordinating it, handling every single detail for a perfect wedding a couple would worry about. I have been to numerous weddings of course. Different kinds I may say. It made me think of visualizing and planning my own wedding.

Earlier this month, I cant stop imagining my perfect wedding. My good friend Tara can attest to that. Everything, from the color motif to the venue, to the very littlest wedding detail is all ready!

I have always been a beach bum and I have always loved the beach. Guess what? I want a beach wedding.! I want turquoise for my motif, it looks lovely on the beach. I want to wear a very simple white sundress, I want my groom to wear a simple white summer shirt, we would both be wearing flip flops for our footwear. Same thing with all our entourage and our guest. I want them to wear anything summery and comfortable, no gowns, no tuxedos, just simple summer outfits would do. I want it to be just before the sunset so that the backdrop will be perfect. I want lots of starfishes for the decoration.

I imagine that it would be a perfect summer day. I imagine a very intimate wedding, just me and my grooms closest relatives and friends. I want everything to be fun. I want house music playing on the background as we have the wedding party. I want the wedding to be comfortable both for me, my groom and our guests. I want my wedding day to be spent like a summer holiday for everyone who eill attend. Wow, I think that it would be really awesome!!!

Now all I have to do is to find a groom… :)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Stop the crying time, baby, its PARTY time!!!

Amidst all troubles about my infuriating love-hate relationship with my own love life, something that makes me happy came across my senses again….

Looking back when I was not thinking about these thing called LOVE (bakit kasi naiisip pa yang bagay na yan eh…) I was a party girl (and that was I think about 3 months ago, lol). The inner party girl in me wants to be unleashed again!!!

Early this morning, I was browsing my facebook when I saw a reply from one of my favorite artist BASSMONKEYS about a comment I have posted to them. They've replied to me, and it was like, OH MY GOD!!!

My eyes cant believe it! I will cherish that conversation for the rest of my life! Someday, when im old, I would be able to tell my grandchildren this: "mga apo, nung kabataan ni lola eh big fan talaga ako ng mga yan, at akalain nyo ba? Nag usap kami sa facebook!" by that time they will be legends!!! I swear I was in ecstasy while I was reading it!

I missed the Gatecrashers party that was held last March I think. My last big party was when Hed kandi was here in manila. I truly enjoy the music and I so love Mark Doyle a lot. Now im craving for the bass, the lights, the sweat, the people, the high…

Kaskade will be here in manila on the 13th. Damn I wanted to go, like badly wanted to go. Well im still trying to convince my best party buddy Yein. Hopefully we will be there…

Party party! I need some dancing. It makes me happy. Dreamland...

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I am a catholic girl... :)

I was raised a strict catholic. I studied gradeschool and highschool in a private school run by dominican nuns, then I studied college in a catholic university. I memorized the mysteries of the holy rosary, attended mass not just on Sundays but all days of the week if possible. Monday for St Joseph in Anonas, Tuesday for St. Anthony of Padua in Bustillos, Wednesday for the Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Redemptorist church in Baclaran. Thursday for St. Jude Thadeus in Malacanang, then for Friday, Black Nazarene in Quiapo. I have somewhat memorized all the novenas for each saints. I have studied the doctrines of the church, I have attended catechisms and joined various prayer meetings on my early years. I was raised a good catholic.

I value my religion. I have an understanding about the Holy Trinity, Mother Mary and invoking of the Holy Spirit. I knew about the difference of mortal and venial sins, how to ask for forgiveness and how to be forgiven by confessing. I know many things for sure, and I am proud to say that the foundation that I have is on an absolute high as a catholic.

As numbers in my age increase, as people I know started to vary, as relationships I have differ from one person to the other, as I am being exposed to different kinds of principles, as I open my eyes on what things are happening around, as I mold my own thoughts and rationales about my decisions, I came to agnize my own sentiment. I have recrudesced my own views about the good and the bad.

Go to mass every Sunday. Don’t curse! Don’t lie! Never watch porn! Never have premarital sex! Homosexuality is a sin! Sly away from immorality! Etc etc etc… these are the things we are all taught to so and not to do, or not to have, or even not to think about. Hhmmm.

I am expected to be virginal. To be prim and proper. To be naïve about iniquity. But everything about it is around me, and I have been taught by these things some important lessons in life. My views about certain immoral things are admittedly indeed immoral, that is in the point of view of a close catholic. If we simply follow the church's teachings, we should know, well, I should know. I am not going to have it in detail coz CBCP might call my attention if I do so. Hahaha!

The thing is, doing good results positive outcome, doing bad in the other hand results into negative outcome. As long as you are doing the right thing, you are prepared for the consequences that it may have cause, then you are just going to be fine.

I have been reading a book entitled 50 Self Help Classics written by Tom-Butler Bowdom. In this book, he listed 50 of the best self help books that you can use as a guide. One of the books that he had included is the Bible, which is said to be the best selling book of all time. Indeed it is true that the book itself and the gospels will give a lot of wisdom to the reader. Weather you are a catholic, a muslim, or an atheist, as long as the stories in the book inspires you and you get knowledge from it then it must be something that will serve as your guide to your principles in life.

I haven't stopped attending the holy mass, I haven't stopped praying as well. Everyday I pray for guidance and for strength. But there are certain things that I don’t agree with anymore in the teachings and principles of the catholic church.

I am a thinker and I would like to see myself as a fair judge. Not because I am catholic does it mean that I don’t respect other peoples precepts about their own religion. I might not have been practicing what I used to practice before as a catholic, but I can definitely say that my faith still binds me with my God. I am happy that I still believe that there is a higher being taking control of my life. I find strenght in Him whenever I have nothing to draw strenght from. I think I am doing good so far. I hope I am doing good. Sunblock wont help at all in hell. Haha.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Cheat Sheet

Just recently, A person who is most endeared by a friend of mine passed away. This person is one those people who I look up to. I never met her, (though I was honored to have seen her later only in a lamentable state, that is inside her last place on earth, her deathbox)
Just like the great Sigmund Freud, or Jane Austen, Shirley Didi Grego is one of the person who’s words made markings in my memory. Her daughter, Tara, that I considered one of the truest friends tells me great tales about her mother. I console in her words through her daughter. Things that she has been telling her made so much impact in my precepts in life, especially in my relationships. One of the assertions that she made, which had made a mark in my memory is a principle about cheating.

“Maganda ka man, o pangit, sexy o mataba, mayaman o mahirap, basta lolokohin ka, lolokohin ka talaga.”

I mused on that idea. True enough. I have known people who are almost perfect, rich, young, beautiful, successful, and yet they are still being cheated on by their mates. I’ve know people who are old and weary, found a suppose real love and yet still being left on. I have heard stories about cheating with their neighbors, specially those living in slums, that despite of poverty and because of the grace of lust still commit such offense. Everyday, everywhere, we all can hear stories about cheating.

Once when I was in my early teens, I have already pondered on this. I remember falling in love with a playboy. We never had a relationship but the thought of him being mine is desired deeply. But the fact that I have been seeing him with many women, flirting and messing around was a great pain. I have thought of my father, in his younger years when he had left my mother desquieted by not going home early only to be found in a beerhouse , coquetting with some young women. These had constructed my conclusion that men are generally polygamous. But, at the end of the day, as what my father did, he want back to the arms of my loving mother. I had thought about my boy at that time, if he really likes me, or if it is us who are really meant for each other, then all these girls are nothing to him, in the end, he will love me, and only me. (awa ng Dyos, marami pa rin syang babae hanggang ngayon. Haha)

There’s much more in the situation where cheating is involved. We have got to look at the roots of the problem. In marriage, primarily its dissatisfaction, emotionally, financially and most especially sexually. For young ones, maybe it’s the thirst for adventure or for fun. For the rest particularly for the boys, it’s the machismo that plays a big role in their attitude towards cheating. Having more than one relationship is an indication of manhood, and that’s what’s pushing them in chicaning their mates.

For me, cheating in any scale is inevitable in a relationship. Once, or twice, you will find your partner, or yourself cheating. It is hard to control such situations. People most of the time would tell the alibi “ tao lang naman ako, nagkakasala din”. For me? That’s definitely not an excuse. Flirting occasionally is ok, but not to the point of cheating. It is painful. It takes a lot of effort to have the wounds of cheating be healed, and the scars would stay there forever.
I have always put in mind what Mrs. Grego said. Thinking about it, I knew that we should not act so comfortable in our relationships, even if everything is going on smoothly. Negativity still persist in my opinion now, but I know that everyone would not be in their comfort zones as long as there are chances of cheating.

Bear trust. Maybe that’s all we need to make anything work.

- For the loving memory of Mrs. Shirley Didi Grego. Thank you for the words of wisdom…

Monday, May 18, 2009

Green Eyed Monster

This afternoon, on my way home, I received a phone call from my tabloid friend, na itago na lang natin sa pangalang Dixie. She was crying, like a 4 year old na inagawan ng laruan. Tumataghoy, hindi makahinga sa kakaiyak. I wondered why and when she uttered her bf's name, I knew right away that it was about him.

"Hindi nya na ko kinakausap nung isang linggo pa. Tapos malalaman ko na lang nagkabalikan na sila ni Helen (the ex gf)" she mouthed. Putul putol pa, ang hirap intindihin.

I took some time to stop and talked to her while I was strolling down the road. I comforted her telling her to calm down. Anu nga ba namang masasabi ko? I don’t even know what really happened, what's the stand between his bf and his ex, or if she fought with him or what. Searching for the right advice that will come out of my head, I just promised to call her as soon as I get home and think of a possible solution for her problem.

I met my best friend from Sydney after that. I was in heaven seeing this guy. I miss him so much and seeing him is a relief. Wala naman akong problem that needs to be consoled but then again being with a person who you can open up everything to is an abundant experience. Lalo na nung binuksan nya trunk ng sasakyan nya full of things for me. (particuilarly loved the organic potato chips that he would always bring me pag umuuwi sya dito sa Pilipinas, hehe love you Stephano)

While he was driving and while he was telling me about the things that he needs to accomplish in his stay here in Manila, things that Dixie told me came flashing by. Then I thought about my relationship.

Jealousy would kill me. Indeed it will. Kanina lang umaga after some of the classes I handled, going back to my table and checking these petty things on Facebook, ive seen something about my bf's ex. Haha. I know it sounds so immature of me, but yes, I am very very jealous about her. That didn't stop me from thinking of the "what if's"

Now you tell what are those what-if's. Siguro naman lahat tayo nakakapag isip ng mga what if situations when we ran across the things in our past. I am a jealous bitch, I admit that, and as much as I wanted to stop being like that, hindi ko pa din mapigilan ang sarili kong wag mag selos.

I am insecure. I always feared to be left by people that I love. I don’t want to feel, yet again the emotions I have felt before. As much as I wanted to, I don’t want to suffer the atrocious adversities I had with my previous relationships. I thought that was enough. Masyado nang masakit yung dati. Ayoko na ulit.

Two months, and everything is going on smoothly. But I wouldn’t know when this would end. Will it end in the middle of everything prissy in our relationship? Hindi ko alam diba? Kasi from the very begining wala naman talagang kasiguraduhan if this is a happily ever after or not.

My thoughts went back to Dixie as Stephen keeps on talking about his trip here. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, anu nga bang sasabihin ko kay Dixie pag uwi ng bahay? Will I tell her to talk to her bf personally and then call it quits herself kasi hindi naman pwedeng may kahati sya? Or should I tell her that there is no point crying if the situation she is right now is on that stage? Wala na kasi eh. Anu pa nga bang dapat gawin? Her bf went back to his ex gf. Anu pa iisipin natin to bail her out of her misery? Wala na. Kasi ayaw na sa kanya ng bf nya.

Then, my principles about jealousy and breaking up came scudding.

We are jealous because we are insecure. We are lacking in security and safety. What does this mean? Kulang tayo sa confidence about our partners or even about ourselves.

When it comes to breaking up? If things are not working anymore, then why bother? I’m not saying don’t give it a try to work things out, of course that would be the first impulse if you really love the person you have a relationship with. Pero naman pag dumating sa point na iiwanan ka na, or sasabihin na ng partner mo sayo na tama na and he/she loves someone new, or he/she is still inlove with his/her ex bf/gf, then come on! Wag mo ng ipilit ang sarili mo! Theres no point in doing that anymore. Don’t force yourself into someone that is pushing you away. You will never be happy. Basically, your head on for a collision later in your relationship that would greatly cause you damage. So, stop. End it.

What would I tell Dixie? Well, I'll tell her everything on my mind. I will tell her every bit of principle I have about jealousy and breaking up. But in the end, I would ask her to look deep into her emotions and decide if her relationship with her bf is worth fighting for. Sya rin naman din lahat may sagot sa mga tanong nya.

As for me? My man assured me this morning that everything in the past is in the past. I believed him. well, I choose to believe him. Then again, I have believed in my instinct ever since. I know when something fishy is going on, I know when I am being played on, I putatively know if I’m in my comfort zone or not. Well, so be it if that’s the case. Again I’m going back to my precepts and everything will be fine for me.

Thing is, relationships aren't perfect. Time and time again we will be faced with situation that would bring us back to the level in where we are not bound for comfort. Maybe this is one of those times...

Monday, March 30, 2009

My Brains are Bigger than my Boobs.

Some say that having big breast is an asset. I do agree. I have an idea of how the breast augmentation industry is making millions of profit and I would have to say that I have been blessed and needed not to have one. For some time, I have enjoyed the attention from men that it allows me to have but just yesterday, with a weird strike of craziness, I resented having these.

Just yesterday, I hated being busty. I kinda love it before but since I have been having troubles trying to look for something to wear that wouldn’t appear as if I’m showing off my big breast, or getting a little bit of respect the very least if I’m strolling down the street and guy’s eyes are fixed into my breast while I walk. Don’t get me wrong, I do love the attention. In my wicked sense of mind, I loved it when I’m being stared at and admired for my assets but I realized something that daunts me.

I have thought that it is somewhat hard to gain immediate respect from other people if you are a big breasted woman. Promptly, men would think about sex the moment they had a sight of your jiggly bossom.

I have asked and researched about how men truly feel about big breast. Is their fixation to these only a sign of perversion? Or is there a biological reason as to why they get magnetized by big breasted women?

According to some studies, men’s fixation with big breast is a result of their arrested development on their mothers own breasts. It has been stated as well that some men base their preference on the cup size according to what their mother’s have, meaning a man whose mother’s cup size is of 34B, would likely opt a woman with the same cup size.

Big breast are also associated with fertility. The bigger it is, the more fertile a woman look like. It is actually compared to a peacock’s tail as a sign of fecundity.

To think of it, the idea seems to be a little bit sweet. For guys to actually have an infantile fixation to their mothers is heart warming, but because of the stereotype that women with big breast are “slutty” or “easy” and that most men like big breast, the thought seemed aweless.

It’s as if women’s breasts are public property – the bigger they are, the less they belong to the person to whom they are attached, and the more it is seen as acceptable to stare, make comments and to de-humanise their owner. Pretty obvious especially when someone with huge tits walk on a crowded room, all eyes on her.

That got me thinking. Do I really want to grab someone, or everyone’s attention by having huge bumpers? Primarily, I know that’s what they will look at me, but I can utterly shout that “My brains are bigger than my boobs!”

I have thought about this famous line said by Joyce Jimenez and so I thought of doing a little research about her educational background and any information that would prove that the line is true. I have googled her and found something in wikipedia and to my dismay, a found a line that made me feel uncomfortable, almost contradictory of the famous line she once said.

"Joyce Jimenez was born in Los Angeles, California to Filipino migrant parents. Her real name is Joyce Herrín Reintegrado. She is well known for having large real breasts. Jimenez grew up in the Los Ángeles area where she studied at Bishop Amat High School in La Puente, California. She was accepted to UCLA but decided to forgo schooling to move to the Philippines; most recently she finished a college degree at a university in Australia."

Source :

What the heck? Do they really have to say that she is well known for having large, real breast? Talk about showcasing what she has.

In the end, it is true. Not because we do have big tits, huge boobs, and humungous breast does it mean we are to be scrutinized and tagged as something we are not. The pigeon hole of having big breast is difficult. We’ve got to work extra hard to mis conceptualize what other people think about us.

Then again as one of my good guy friend told me once. Just take the attention, and take the lusty look as a compliment. Hmm, I guess having these twins has its plus and minus.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Ms. Stress. Mistress.

How to de – stress:
1. A lot some quality time for yourself.
2. Do what you like to do, do what pleases you. Such as sleeping for long hours, or drive around the city in the middle of the night so that there are no traffic jam bugging you, singing your heart out while doing that.
3. Run a mile.
4. Swim lapses.
5. Eat a slice of oreo cheesecake (without bearing in mind how much calories it is)
6. Play with the kids. Cavort to exhaustion.
7. Go to the mall and bring a very “okrayera” friend. Create an imaginary scorecard for the hot guys and for the very “baduy” girls who are passing by.
8. Relieve old times. Remember how you felt for someone in highschool. Be nostalgic.
9. Crack silly childhood jokes.
10. Massage… (thanks Wensha!!!) haha.

*hey mistress how’s it going? Hope all is well with you and Mr. Sadge. The out of town escapade is coming. Are you excited? I bet you are…
Doctor and patient. As what was discussed and decided. Very good. A very ironed plan. Kudos to the both of you…